Sometimes getting answers reveals more truths

 

 Sometimes getting answers reveals more truths

 

Having integrity and doing the right thing is never easy....Making hard decisions that affect your child somewhat negatively, but are for the greater good, are even harder...

I can deal with the sadness over the choice to go no contact with my Narcissistic Mother. Its a choice I had to make due to 30+ years of never getting anywhere with her and her multiple abuses. I could have never become the strong person I am now had I continued to keep in contact, but my son didnt ask to go no contact with his father, I made what I thought was a temporary decision, but his father has seemingly chosen a permanent decision...

When I broke up with him and he moved to Texas he was behaving erratically and saying such weird delusional things to people (who then told me about them) it was concerning..., When he moved back up here to Philly and came to see our son, I told him at the door that I sincerely wanted him to go seek help and get his head and life together before he saw our son cause I did not want our son to be negatively impacted by his erratic behavior.

That was 2002...Today it is the end of 2010...He has never come back to see our son.
Hes missed school plays, all of our sons baseball games, bowling championships, countless funny things, countless funny times, birthdays, learning to shave, his first dance with a girl, him learning to hack video games and going to the Shore...
He missed everything...

For what? What could be so important that he couldnt get his life together for his son? One day I was hoping for answers...One day I was hoping Ricky would show up, apologetic for what he had done and was sober and had a job and car and would be a great dad to our son...

What was keeping him away?

Apparently partying, drugs, alcohol, women, gambling etc...and more kids...

While checking my sons Facebook privacy settings I stumbled onto his fathers Facebook page...

It was there that I found out that my ex has another child who again is autistic, although I feel sorry for the other child that has him as a father,  Im even more sad for my own son that I cannot tell him about this.

See, aside from the partying etc that I discovered on his Facebook account,  I also found out my ex is on the run from the police and has had several arrests and DUIs and currently has several warrants out for his arrest, and he was back in Jail at one point and was arrested for assault...

So basically he hasnt even tried to get his act together...and the part that is most disturbing is the fact that when I read his Facebook page I see NARCISSISM... My ex is what is called an INVERTED NARCISSIST...

The definition:

Inverted Narcissist I struggled to appropriately classify my long term narcissist for a long time, thinking as many do that if they weren’t loud and extroverted that they weren’t Narcissists. The definitions available on-line can be difficult to understand as well, as most refer to an inverted narcissist as a co-dependent and as most victims of narcissism can attest, co-dependency is often the result of being with a narcissist – not a definition of one.
So let’s clear this up. An inverted Narcissist is a narcissist who exhibits all of the traits of Narcissism as outlined in the DSM-IV, however this type wants to be taken care of. They lead a parasitic lifestyle, feeding off of their host, and anyone that provides them the opportunity.
They don’t want responsibility. They look for strong, intelligent,  successful partners that can run the show, while they don’t contribute and have an, ‘it’s all about me’ party.
They will usually have some type of ailment that they need to nurse, or need you to nurse, which is the reason why they can’t ever be what you want them to be. You may even find them involved with an Overt Narcissist.

Source: http://esteemology.com/the-different-faces-of-narcissism-types-and-sub-types/

My ex's Facebook page is nothing but  "please please everyone pity me, I got another DUI! why are these things happening to me?"

Children of Narcissists, like me, unfortunately tend to attract NARCISSISTS...
We give off vibes that say, Im a doormat, I will give up my happiness so you can have yours, come suck me dry of all my energy, money and love...We do this because we are used to doing this for our Narcissistic Mothers.

So basically Ricky was able to give me some sob story about his Dad beating him up a lot as a child and because I was (genuinely) abused as a child I thought wed be compadres and be understanding towards each other, but instead of our union STRENGTHENING us and lifting us up and healing us, it became a One way street of more mental and emotional abuse for ME as our entire relationship became all about HIM and HELPING HIM, Keeping HIM calm and not angry. There was never one day, one minute in our relationship where I felt like I was LOVED, CARED FOR or HEARD....It was all about him, his fathers alleged abuse that he said hindered his success in life, and various physical ailments that  prevented him from a myriad of tasks or jobs (but mysteriously did not prevent him from riding a mountain bike up a mountain)...

Being an ACON makes you get used to or even expecting to be classed second and using your strength to fill others up. We do this at the detriment of ourselves and we do this till we are squeezed dry of all love and joy and enthusiasm to care for others...

I notice that all these girlfriends my ex has are strong, caring people and it seems they listen to his sob story and they fall for him cause they feel sorry for him, just like I did in 1991.. That appears to be his shtick to get narcissistic supply, making people feel sorry for him so they will take care of him.

So years ago in 2002 when he moved back up here from Texas, and he stopped at my house to see our son and I told him I didnt think that was a good idea seeing how he was saying strange things and behaving erratically in Texas. and I told him to get get himself together and get some help, I WAS THE ONE WHO BEAT MYSELF UP AND FELT GUILTY FOR THE PAST 13 YEARS! When in all actuality his inactions in getting himself together and getting himself help to become a better person was his way of saying, "I dont care about our son, I only care about myself, partying and mooching off people and I will now use your not letting me see our son as a means to get people to feel sorry for me and get more narcissistic supply for myself'"

So I went looking for answers but the truth has both assuaged my guilt and lead to more sorrow, cause it appears my ex will never get his act together and can never be a good Father to our son and because of that I must continue to keep that door closed...