Whiplash

 

Whiplash

When me and my sister both turned 18 we got money from our Step Grandmother. My sister got her check and put hers in the bank. A year later, my mother insisted I give her my check l when it came! Somehow after all the broken promises of "I'll get you your license" I did not feel right about that and when it came in the mail, I hid it in my room and the next day, I hired a taxi and went to the bank and opened an account myself... Years later that money paid for the down payment on my second house. I believe my mother wanted to take that money from me. So she could still control me. I was 18! I wasn't even aware that at 18 I was a free adult and she no longer could run my life, I could have got my license at that time, but I was so controlled and cloistered from society that I didn't even know my rights!

 

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After my sister died there was no more Christmas, Easter or Thanksgiving family get togethers. Everything just stopped.
But something odd and confusing happened, suddenly my mother up and volunteered to take me to get my license, which I did at age 20.

Then she made sure Daddy got me a car...

WHOAH! WTF WAS HAPPENING HERE?

Then she started getting very interested in what I was doing, who I was sleeping with. It was like whiplash! So much interest! So much Attention! I guess I had become the new Golden Child. She got giddy when one day I told her I was dating twins... One day I stopped at her office for something, and her old co-worker Dick asked me with a wink in his eye, "How are the twins?"

HUH?

I realized my own Mother had violated my privacy and discussed my sexlife with her co-workers! What kind of mother does that? So I pulled away from her again and stopped telling her stuff... 

 

What my Mother did not notice or get was at that time my sexlife was totally out of control and abnormal... I was sleeping with so many guys, desperate for love. I knew nothing else but sex, because of Billy.

I was DESPERATE for someone! ANYONE to love me, pay attention to me, talk to me. Since I hadn't been protected at age 11 from rape and my mother never once told me anything about romance or good touch bad touch or good guys vs bad guys nor had she ever even said to me, "Wait till you get married!" 

I was spiraling out of control.
NOTHING was ever said about SEX, RELATIONSHIPS, MARRIAGE, ANYTHING! I was sleeping with every guy I met not cause I wanted sex, I WANTED A RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE!

 

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Note: it's been 15 yrs since I finished writing this book and after introspection I must tell you that there was a great deal of sex I was having that was just to check the Sexual Bucket List Checkbox. I loved to play the game. It wasn't all to find love, but most was.

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Just like I was stunted socially by my mother, I was stunted romantically and sexually by her too. So here I was, in 2 yrs my Best Friend Jennifer would abandon me for her homophobia, my Father and Sister dead, no real boyfriends and I have a whackjob mentally abusive mother who doesn't know if I'm her new Golden Child or still her datgum Scapegoat!

Since my mother didn't give a shit about my education or future job, I had no idea what I was doing. I was 21 yrs old, working at A Dive of a Seafood Restaurant, I had no skills, no education, no encouragement at all no guidance for 21 YEARS to do anything worthwhile in my life, my mother thought I was handicapped, brain damaged and wouldn't amount to anything....
I was floating along aimlessly.
I had always had goals in my life, things I wanted out of my life..
I wanted a boyfriend
I wanted a stable home and happy "marriage"
I wanted 4 kids
I wanted to travel all over the world
I wanted to meet Elton John and be a surrogate for him
(no matter how crazy that sounds)
I wanted to have many friends
I wanted to have lots of parties
I wanted to go to Japan
I wanted to have my own business
I wanted so many things for MYSELF.
But I had no idea how to go about getting them.
I thought that all I had to do was offer a guy sex and wed be married and have kids and a great
life.
I truly believed that all MEN were into DOMINATING women like Cavemen Brutes and that
women had to be submissive to them.

I thought ALL men were Dominant and all women were submissive.
I thought that I had no rights to be a strong woman and ask or demand things in a relationship.
I did not have friends. I had users who fed off my kindness and generosity.

Everyone of my friends stole things from me, including the friends who still try to contact me.
I wasn't being taught anything!
I was thrust out into the world by my mother unequipt for ANYTHING!
"BUT I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!!!" shed say...
It took me years to learn just the simple tools like , NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU or HIT
YOU!
I was sleeping with so many guys I couldn't even count them all, hoping praying one of them would love me and be my boyfriend. I was starving myself, driving around till 3:00 am...The only thing I talked about was sex.

One day after I started working at the Seafood joint I was assigned to sit in the backroom and cut lemons into 8th wedges with a long haired blonde blue eyed 6 foot tall Peter Frampton look alike.As we were sitting there, he turned and looked at me and asked, "Would you be offended if I asked you a question?" I told him no...He then asked, "Would you let a guy kiss you after he ate you out?" Now if I had been raised by a real mother, I would have slapped him and kicked him in the shin.... Instead I had been raised by Jackie. So I thought that my new FRIEND Ted, wanted to "date" me. Aaaaaannnnnddd what does a girl who hasn't been taught to respect and love herself do? She goes off and fucks her new friend Ted that night after work on the North side of the building. Then we started "DATING"...Which entailed having sex in various cars in various parking spots and farmers fields... One day he brought me to his friend Raymonds house and they got me stoned and we goofed off on the tennis court. A week later Raymond called me and invited me to his house. To this day I do not know why he invited me. I wistfully hope that he invited me cause he liked me and thought I was a cool chick and wanted to hang out with me...

But whatever the reason he called me for, I ruined it.

I wasn't taught that you can just be friends with guys, and I had a right to say no and that you can say no even if you like someone, and wait. So, I was at his house hanging out for 2 hours in his room and he NEVER made a move on me. But of course at that time I thought that was odd and that I was doing something wrong. So I pushed him down on his bed and fucked him.

Guess what? Raymonds twin brother Larry soon came home from college and I started being passed around like Janis Joplin, from Ted to Raymond to Larry and then to Raymond and Larry's older brother David. I had threesomes with the 4 of them, and on Raym and Larry's 21st birthday I was the only girl
at their birthday bar hop. On the ride home I had 16 hands on me as I straddled Raymond in the back of the Van... I serviced BOTH Raym and Larry that night. Raym, Larry and David seemed to get off on the fact that I was also fucking their brothers.  They never cared that I had their other brothers semen in me while they fucked me. Raym, Larry and David were the 3 youngest of a 13 kid Catholic family. All carpenters or mechanics, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lynrd Skynrd blasting from the garage. Their cocks were gorgeous, always hard, 7 inches and up.  One day I was at their house and their sister Suzanne shows up. Suzanne is a lesbian. All 3 guys walked over to Suzanne, talked to her a little bit and came back to me.

" We wanted Suzanne to have sex with you, but she said you are too feminine for her."

(Note: YES, I am still upset about that, lol) 

Fast forward a year or two...I had already been diagnosed with EXHAUSTION once, when I was 20. Id drive around and my stomach would hurt so bad from the hunger pains from starving myself and my eyes would be so blurry. Where was my "Mother"? Was she paying attention? Did she notice?
Did anyone notice? I had a pain under my left breast that went to my back and I went to see the Dr and he said it was Shingles and he told me people my age don't get shingles and hes going to test me for AIDS.

O-M-G!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so scared!

In the 4 days I had to wait for those blood tests to come back I stayed in my bedroom with the lights off watching tv, drinking bottle after bottle of blue Hawai'ian schnapps, scared out of my mind!...and I normally do not drink. I went to the Drs to get the results and when the nurse said I was negative I fell to my knees and sobbed. The nurse pulled me up and was really concerned with me, and put her arm around me and said, "Aaaawww were you really worried?" I was like, "YES!" She pulled me into an exam room and asked me all kinds of questions and gave me pamphlets and asked me how many sexual partners I'd been with and I said, " a lot!" She could see I was upset and said something no one had said to me before...
"Don't you respect yourself?"
I was like, "What does that mean?"
She said, "You don't give 'that' up to just anyone. You only give that to someone who has proven he's worthy and cares about you!"
No one had ever told me anything like that, ever! I still didn't get fully what it meant and just who I was to deem worthy, Here I was 20 years old and stunted in every way imaginable by my own mother, I was dumb as a box of rocks and my mother was cheering me on to fuck all these guys after I became her new Golden child and did nothing when I got raped... After I found out I was negative and the Nurse said what she said to me I didn't have sex with anyone else but Raymond.

Raymond Donaldson is and will always be the one that got away. I cannot think of him EVER without getting extremely upset and crying. He had a huge family that loved each other (they kept lots of things in the family) and all his hobbies were things I wanted to be taught to do as a tomboy. He loved camping, and muddy 4 wheeling. He had a kind heart that Id see glimpses of occasionally But I ruined it. Not only did I give him sex the first time I met him, but I had disrespected myself and acted like a slut whore, and to be honest, I wasn't a whole person at the time and had nothing to offer him. I believe we were supposed to be together, but because my mother did not get me help after my rape and chose to look the other way and taught me absolutely nothing about sex, guys or relationships or self respect, he really had no interest in that way...I don't blame him, but I think about what our life would be like now had I met and married him under different circumstances and it devastates me everytime. I plan on sending Raymond this book at some point.

 

If you have been raised by a narcissist the best thing that can happen in your life, is if you find a partner who has a happy stable family. This is how Elton John healed after his parental narc abuse after he met David Furnish.

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Always missed opportunities and too lates...
I was always trying to get regular normal men to Dominate me. I thought all men were the same, that they wanted compliant, submissive women and wanted to abuse them...I hadn't learned any different from home. I was so compliant, so eager. I'd have allowed Raymond to do anything and make me do
anything for him.

I loved Raymond to bite me and use my ass hard on the cornfield under the stars. I could bury my head in the loose clothing and rags in the back of his Land Cruiser and no one would hear me. But I wanted him do more and I couldn't figure out what that more was. I somehow got a copy of the book "The Story Of O"

The Description of the book:
Story of O is a tale of female submission about a beautiful Parisian fashion photographer, O, who is blindfolded, chained, whipped, branded, pierced, made to wear a mask, and taught to be constantly available for oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse. Despite her harsh treatment, O grants permission beforehand for everything that occurs, and her permission is consistently sought.

 

There are times in our lives where we expose ourselves to something and it reveals a part of us that we didn't understand about us and while we are happy it has clarified things.

 

That is what The Story Of O was for me.

After reading it, I finally understood myself

I was never the same after reading that book.

Sometimes ringing the bell can give you whiplash