Road Blocks

Road Blocks

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As I said at the beginning of this book, because my Mother refused to believe that HER actions were causing my hyperactivity and problems and failed to change and correct her own problems, I was sent to all kinds of special classes to treat the SYMPTOMS of my Mothers issues.

Just like my Mother ignored my sisters DIABETES and let her do whatever she wanted and not take care of herself cause "shes was gonna die anyway" my Mother kinda did the same with me.

She accepted what the schools told her (so she didn't have to accept the responsibility that she was causing my issues) and therefore was happy to blame everything on the diagnosis and get a free pass.

My mother didn't let me watch scary movies cause she thought that was what was causing my nightmares, hyperactivity and school attentiveness. That's all. She was blind in a house of halogen lights.

But let me say THIS

Even if I did have some issues that were unrelated to HER mistreatment of me and I needed some help, she was doing it all wrong! Look, if a child has issues, maybe depression, self esteem or self confidence issues or even hyperactivity and/or ADHD, you don't teach them how to overcome it all by telling the child they are bad and irresponsible and aren't ready and cant do anything, or that their brain is deformed...
UH UH! No No!
You do not TEAR a child with problems down, you build them UP!
You give them responsibilities, structure, activities to build up self esteem etc. You spend more individual time and energy on them...
TEACH THEM
TEACH THEM
TEACH TEACH TEACH AND KEEP TEACHING!

She spent NO time with me.

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One of the single most important things to me growing up and in my life was to get my drivers license. I would dream of going all over the world. I wanted to see all the things I would see in TV and in magazines in person. I was a huge social studies/culture freak, I loved culture and different countries, and cuisines. I wanted to go different places try different things and eat new foods. With my license I would be autonomous, I wouldn't be Dana's sister, or Jackie's daughter. I wouldn't be a troublemaker or bad...I'd be ME, and I could explore and find out who I was and be myself.

And be free!

But in spite of passing my permit test 4 times, and graduating driving school. I was never allowed to go for the actual road test. My mother would let me get my permit and then make up some excuse NOT to let me go for my road test, so my permit would expire. Over and over and over and over again!
FOUR FUCKING TIMES!
I was sent to Shapiro's driving school and got my certificate saying I had passed and still wasn't allowed to get my license! My sister got her license at age 16 and was given my Dads used Mustang. 'Why can't I get my license and she can?" I'd ask my mother repeatedly over and over so many times I can hear it in my sleep! Her excuses were many, bizarre and varied ;

"You wont help me do things even if you had your license!"
"Your sister is more responsible"
"You sister has diabetes, she's gonna die anyway let her do what she wants"
"You aren't ready!"
"You aren't responsible"
"You wouldn't take your sister anywhere when she gets sick for me, even if you had a car"

The following excuse was repeated many times...
"I know YOU Dru! If someone cut you off in traffic you'd chase after them and ram into them"
BIZARRE!

Yet more gaslighting to control me.

Little by little my own Mother was killing my spirit with all these untrue hurtful damaging statements about myself. Years later I asked my school administrator Dorothy Miller If she thought I was a violent
vengeful child....She said, "Definitely NOT! I don't know where your mother got that from, you
were a loving caring vivacious young lady"

I told my fave teacher about this book and my moms actions and she told me, "I knew something was going on, but back then we had no laws"!

My mother did not know her own child!

Over and over for 6 long years I'd ask about my license and she'd make these crazy excuses, never ONCE saying to herself, "HHmmm! if I want her to be a good driver and get her license, MAYBE I should TEACH HER!! Maybe I should offer to take her driving so she's proficient in it!!!!!!"
 

 

The circle at Great Valley Corporate Center

She had only EVER taken me out in her car driving ONE SINGULAR TIME around the circle at Great Valley Corporate Center on a Saturday for 10 minutes." Then she sent me to Shapiro's Driving School, I graduated and I sat around hearing excuses for 6 years. Maybe my mother was PROJECTING her own driving insecurities on me... After all, my Mother is by far the most uncomfortable driver I've ever driven with. She can't drive with the radio on, can't drive on the highways, she's constantly saying that she needs to concentrate. She hates driving. Lil Ms White Knuckles!

She's been in far more accidents then I have, and once when me and my son were in her car she almost got us killed by stopping at a stop sign that was NOT for her, but meant for a sidestreet. If she'd have stayed STOPPED, Mack trucks and cars going very fast could have smashed into us from behind and killed us all. I remember screaming at her to "GO! GO! GO!". It was scary. Plus under laws in the state of Pa, my mother drives ILLEGALLY and refuses to learn how to drive properly with just one foot.

As far as my sister being more responsible?
HAHAHA!
My sister and her snobby friend went to Bryn Mawr and with Dana driving, turfed some rich boy's lawn, if I recall correctly IN MY MOMS CAR! The law got involved but my mom got it covered up or assuaged.

Uh! just who was the violent and irresponsible one here?

My sister also got in two accidents while going very fast. One with me and two others in the car and the other on the way home from my father's house, BOTH of which my mother did not tell my father and paid the repair bill herself. On the other side of the coin, when I hit a deer and totaled my first car, my mother couldn't WAIT to inform my father.

"Call your father immediately!" she said. Luckily, my father wasn't angry at all, he was mainly concerned that I was alright. Not letting me get my license was one of the top 10 most damaging and hurtful things my mother ever did to me. She let me languish in that apartment for 6 years doing nothing, never exploring or educating myself or going anywhere or getting away from her and my sister and getting to know who I was apart from her and her negativity.

I hate her so much for it.

I don't care if SHE didn't wanna do anything with her life or go anywhere but the mall, but don't project that on ME or expect that I wanted the same things out of MY life.

Too much pain, too much hurt!