Pregnancy Under A Black Cloud

 

 

 Pregnancy Under A Black Cloud

 

Several months after moving in, Ricky had changed from this happy, positive, optimistic person I fell in love with to this sullen, angry depressive person. I blamed myself, I thought it was because of living with ME. My mother was right, I am a bad person.

 

Ricky and Richie playing video games, I designed the colorful 1980s drapes and couch cushions

He started hanging out on a regular basis with his prison buddy Richie. Theyd hang out on my couch with Richies Sega Genesis or at Richies house (hed call me when he needed to be picked up, like a 10 yr old!!) Richie was in a band and Ricky was getting paid to be their set up and sound man, 2 gigs a month ...rollin' in the dough yaknow? SMH.
To keep me company while he was at gigs with Richie I decided to buy a C.B. radio...I had been obsessed with C.B.s since I was little and my father had one in his car. Ricky requested a Super Nintendo Entertainment System and I bought him one.

(WTF!!!!!!I should have told him to get a job and money so he can buy himself one!)

While Richie was over one night I was upstairs with my C.B. hanging out the window when I finally heard some voices! OMG OMG OMG! I heard this man named T.K. talking to this woman named LW. I waited and said, "Breaker, Breaker!" and OMG OMG OMG!!! I heard LW respond, "Go 'head Break!" I chatted with them for a few minutes and I was so excited! I ran downstairs to tell Ricky I had talked to someone on the CB! A week and a half later Ricky came upstairs while I was trying to find someone to talk to and sat next to me and said, "Let me see that" I gave him the mic and that was the last time I ever had it in my hand... He got a hold of LW and T.K. turned out they knew each other from when Ricky was small and his Dad had a CB...I was very upset with this. But I didn't realize it until months later but Ricky stealing my hobby I'd wanted for years was a breaking point in our relationship. I had been used to being second in life and having to give things up for my sister or someone else. Even when he told me I couldn't use the CB cause "I might embarrass him" I blamed myself cause that's what my Mother had said to me many times too, so it enforced my feelings of inadequacy...

-----*----

Then Ricky convinced me he wouldn't be so angry all the time if he could smoke pot occasionally with Richie. What turned into a once or twice thing ended up being an everyday, all night thing with his brother Ryan and Richie sitting in the basement and puffing away all night. I didn't want drugs in my house, but datgummit, I hated Ricky's anger problem more! At least he was happier stoned!

He'd punch or kick holes in the walls and throw things and break them and the little girl in me from my scared childhood would come rushing back and Id be like a deer in the headlights, scared out of my wits and just wanted the scary man to leave! One day he was so angry about something his brother had not done for him, he walked the 18 miles all the way to Conshohocken (so he says) in 2 hours! Gnashing his rotten teeth the entire time.

When he first moved in the only room in my first house that was messy was the back bedroom. It had several boxes and bags and junk on the floor. I went in there shortly after he moved in with me and noticed that the pearl necklace that my Aunt Carol had given to me and my sister for our birthdays was broken and on the floor. I was sad, but told myself Id fix it soon and left it there and NEVER saw it again. I am convinced that Ricky took those pearls one at a time to a pawn shop to pay for pot that he smoked in secret...
The electricity, phone and Oil Delivery were all turned off many times. I couldn't pay the mortgage and all the bills.

I was so deeply depressed that I eventually was too scared to read my checking accounts balance, cause what if I needed food or formula or diapers and it read $10.00? I'd have had a panic attack and lost it. I know, I know. It makes no sense NOW,  I knew NOTHING about money, my mom didn't teach us anything. 

 But to be honest, I think I have had PTSD since I was 3 yrs old from my parents DV and the ways I reacted to Ricky's treatment of me and his anger issues were symptoms of PTSD but it was the only way I could cope THEN...However I think that gave Ricky the opportunity to start siphoning money out of my account. It was how he was able to lie about being given free bikes and Radio Shack items (I found the receipts years later). His stealing was causing things to be shut off and he'd sit and listen to me cry about it, and steal more.

I was trying so hard to be a good "wife" and save money. I made a weekly list. EVERY WEEK. I planned the meals and started saving money with coupons etc.... He never noticed or cared. I'd buy him special things occasionally and he'd toss em aside and they'd get wrinkled and lost and make me more depressed.

He'd leave the trash piling up in the kitchen and it would cause huge fights. I'd ask him to vacuum and he'd vacuum the middles and all the areas on the perimeters would be filthy. When he'd clean up the house he'd dump everything together and never sort it and organize it and put it where it belonged. HIS area of the house was ALWAYS perfectly sorted, and organized. I stopped asking. Which is what guys want. They want you to stop asking and let you do it. It means they do not love YOU.

One day I decided to leave our son at home with HIS FATHER to go shopping and have some alone time. When I left he was on the computer playing SLINGO... 4-5 hours later I came home after being out all day...The house was dark, no lights were on, there Ricky was, still on the computer playing Slingo, the house was a wreck, our son hadn't been changed or fed... I never left our son with HIS FATHER again. I took him EVERYTIME I went out. I never again had ME time!

 

Men don't get it. Women need alone time to reset and dream.

----*----

Ricky's family was something else!

MAAAN!

I was trying so hard to get them to like me. They always seemed to look right past me, for lack of a better explanation. I tried SO HARD to get them to like me, giving them things, making this really cool newsletter, inviting people over for Star Parties etc They still seemed cold...

----*----

When I bought the first house and moved in, I did not invite my mother over for awhile. I wanted to impress her and make her proud of me. Show her I was an adult and not handicapped or a bad person.

Ricky got out of Jail and moved in with me and a few months before Thanksgiving I told my mother I was having Thanksgiving at my house and Id like everyone to come. My mother accepted the invite and told my aunt and uncle and grandma and they were all coming and me and Ricky got to work for TWO WHOLE MONTHS!
We stripped wallpaper from the entire house, painted the walls, got the carpet steam cleaned, and the woodfloors in the dining room polished, got new lamps and a coffee table and enough chairs for everyone in the dining room. cleaned, cleaned cleaned and cleaned some more. It looked the best that house ever looked EVER! I was so proud of it! I bought the turkey and everything else. I even bought a duck to see if I could make one. That morning I put the birds in the oven and taters on the stove. Rickys Dad had come up from Florida to have Thanksgiving at his in laws nearby and stopped by our house that morning cause
he was already informed we were having Thanksgiving visitors and then he left. Then my Mother called and said, "Dru? we are all just staying at my house! Its too many steps for your Grandmother to walk!"
I was so hurt and stunned I don't really even think I asked why or anything! Why would a Mother hurt their only child that way? It still stings just thinking about it!

We ended up throwing the birds away and calling Ricky's dad and going and spending Thanksgiving at his step aunts house. I don't even remember that day or dinner I was so sad. As I said earlier, Holidays were important and special in my life... They signified happiness and fun.
 

 

 

I had dressed up for every holiday to go visit Ricky while he was in Jail. I sewed special costumes that were Jail friendly. I made a gorgeous Valentines Day Dress out of red satin and white fleece. I made a red and white Santa suit, and since I couldnt wear hats there, I spray painted my hair red and wore a white fuzzy headband and a white fuzzy puff ball to make it look like a Santa hat, I sent him a Holiday card for each and every damn holiday including Hannukah and Pesach...When he got out I sent his family members cards and little accompanying gifts for each holiday. I made everyone plates of assorted handmade Valentines Cookies.  One day Ricky came home and angrily told me "dont send them shit"...Fuck sending them that holiday shit, none of them deserve anything!"
............and that was that, and my effort and fun ended.
 

 

Later I attempted to start a Round Robin and no one cared. I was trying to make friends with these people and get to know them and them get to know me and have some fun too and express myself I created all these fun games and tried to get people together for a Star Party or Shabu Shabu Party , but dammit Ricky acted so apathetic and bored with the whole thing I put the stuff away and buried it all... Years later after getting a computer and creating a great website all on my own, Id be all excited to show him and he never bothered... Everything I tried to do, or did was ignored and tossed aside
I was so damn miserable and lonely...

----*----

Pretty much the entire time I lived in that house my next door neighbors psychotically harassed and stalked me/us. I found out later that they did the same thing to the former owners. If we sat on the porch, theyd hang out their front door staring at us, they dug up my new flowers out back to put in a new fence without asking, stealing a few inches of property line with it and calling the Health Department on us if I left one bag of trash in my back porch.

But after Ricky decided to make the CB radio more powerful and buy a linear and the signal bled into their TVs and we spent $100.00 to buy them FCC required by law RF protectors it RAMPED IT WAY UP! Somehow my Jeeps gas tank got damaged to the point of making my gas meter read 1/2 full when I was actually on E. Small explosives were thrown on my porch in the middle of the night and Ricky and Richie were threatened with a gun by one of the skanky daughters boyfriends..

All these feelings of being bullied, beaten up, raped, picked on, threatened etc came flooding in and since I hadn't been protected and taught to stand up for myself I did what I always did when threatened, I retreated into a shell and kept the blinds on that side of the house down, and I stopped taking my dogs out to poop and put paper down in the dining room instead. I was slowly going nuts and becoming a hermit. My stress levels were immense, Id always been a scared anxious person and a worry wort. I ground my teeth, pulled my hair out, and bit my nails and cuticles raw worrying, Id starve myself and overeat...Id sit silently so if I didn't move maybe I'd go away all together...

I found out I was pregnant in between all of this...
I was so scared.

No matter how many times I got tested for AIDS etc I still was thinking I had it and was gonna die. Any ache and pain or symptom Id think I was dying, It was all just stress of course... So after I found out I was pregnant I drove out to the Frazer Mennonite Church (the only Mennonite church I knew of at the time) and sat in the front pew and cried and begged God to let my baby be healthy and normal....

My mother seemed happy at the news.

Somewhere along the way my "Ricky's Hot girlfriend" and "SEXAY woman" status was converted to "Rickys Surrogate Mother" and I knew I couldn't rely on him to be my rock or comfort since he had become a wounded child around me. Of course my mother was no help.... So when I woke up at 15 weeks pregnant in horrible pain and I went to my OB and they did tests and told me to bring my mother in with me the next day and they told me, "We cannot find your left ovary, we do see a mass and we think it is CANCER and we need to go in and look. If it is CANCER we will have to remove everything, including the uterus and the baby...." I went completely numb. I remember my mother making it about her and being no comfort at all. Ricky sat around the house and weeped like a baby.

Inside I was SCREAMING!

"HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! IM THE PATIENT HERE! IM THE ONE WHO MIGHT HAVE CANCER AND THEN LOSE MY BABY AND NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE ANOTHER. YOO HOO! IM OVER HERE! CAN SOMEONE BE MY SHOULDER? CAN SOMEONE HOLD MY HAND? I NEED TO SOB, I NEED TO LET IT OUT! WHO IS HERE FOR ME?"

No One!

I didn't even cry.

But Ricky sobbed like the ineffectual baby he was.

So after I woke up from surgery at 19 weeks pregnant and the OB apologized saying it was "just non cancerous fibroid tumors on your uterus, the baby is fine" and left me with a $17,000.00 bill and 4 days of a 104 degree fever from a bad surgical infection I further went into my shell and numbed out. The OB had missread the ultrasound.

I tried to sue and no one took the case.

I spent the remainder of my pregnancy in bed relaxing and taking care of myself. I had quit smoking and stopped drinking coffee. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was up to 270 lbs from 150. I was eating everything I saw, cause of course my mother said nothing nor offered any advice for any part of my first pregnancy. I had to rely on What To Expect When You're Expecting.

 

Everytime I asked my mom for advice, my mother would say "But I thought you knew EVERYTHING!!!!!!"
No "Mother" I knew NOTHING!

Over the years whenever Id ask my mother to help me, or for advice or if she knew where I could find or get this or that or for referrals, she'd play dumb, get a dumb look on her face, look into space and shake her head," No! I don't know honey!" or "I can't recall" or "It's been too long I can't remember back that far" So I was always left to my own devices to figure shit out on my own. When I'd screw up shed say, "But I thought you knew everything!" and put up her hands in a slight shrug.

Now I know that a healthy pregnancy is only 25-30 lbs weight gain.

After my son was born on in Summer of 1994 I brought him home 24 hours later to a filthy house. Why didn't My mother and Ricky clean for me? A lot of mothers do that for their daughters after they have their babies! They clean up for them then help them out for a few days...

My Mother did nothing for me, never even threw me a shower!

I really don't remember too much about the next 3 years as I was dealing with everything on my own with no help from anyone.

I was dealing with Ricky not driving or having a job, a new baby for whom I had no idea what to do with and no one to help me, crazy neighbors keeping us hostage in our house, a filthy house, money issues cause Ricky was stealing from me and I was too depressed to notice, having no friends and gaining 30 lbs after having my son as a shield to stop Ricky from having sex with me cause I was no longer attracted to him.
 

 

The most dysfunctional little family in Pa, I was so miserable

Richie was over my house 24/7 monopolizing my sons father from BOTH of us. Ricky was never present in me and our sons lives even though he was in the same house. He'd be down in the basement doing various hobbies, always promising he'd only be down there for 30 mins, 30 mins turned into 5 hours and he'd just sneak up to tuck the baby into his crib.

I kept letting Ricky leave me with the baby all the time or go and play video games with Richie and I kept thinking to myself, "Hey at least one of us is having fun" I'd totally give my own happiness up to the slaughter cause I had been taught to do so by my mother when she chose my sisters happiness over mine.

From the time Ricky got out of Jail to a year after, he was like a 180 degree different person. He was no longer happy, positive, or full of promise, and even less so after our son came. He was paranoid about everything and had a huge anger management issue and regularly had me scared of him and even retreating more into my shell. But of course since he had changed AFTER moving in with me, I blamed myself cause everything was always my fault!

Why didn't my Mother notice how miserable I was? How toxic my environment had become? She was too busy with her married lover boss Bob I guess.... One day she dropped by my house unannounced and demanded I change the baby's diaper so she could hold him. Why couldn't SHE do it to be a Grandma to help me out? Her Mother came to her house and helped her out all the time!

Once when I gave my son formula out of the can from the fridge she screamed at me on the phone that I was a BAD MOTHER! It was summertime and we had no A/C.

Yet each and every time I had asked her for advice she'd shrug and say, "I don't know honey!" After the Gun incident with my neighbor and realizing that I could not have my child living next to that crazy woman I called my mom and asked her if we could come live with her for 2-3 months in my old bedroom, while we fixed up the house to sell it to move and find another place to live...

"NO! I DON'T HAVE THE ROOM AND NOT WITH THOSE DOGS!"

10  years before she had she had moved Dana and her 3 cats back in after her diabetes went bad. Where was the fairness? Where was the love? What kind of LOVING GRANDMOTHER OF HER ONLY GRANDCHILD WAS SHE?

----*----

Then it happened......More Horror for me

One day at the pediatricians the Dr told me that I should have my son tested for Autism. She said it matter of factly and gave me a slip with names on it and left the exam room. After that I really dont remember much. I got him tested and he was in fact Autistic but I was a robot by then, I had no emotion and never even cried about it once.

_______________________
Studies show that parents of newly diagnosed autistic children are significantly more depressed than those of parents of terminally ill children.
_______________________

My mother distanced herself a bit from me after that and as usual I had no comfort or solace from her. The burden was once again all on me.

While I was at my tax guy getting my taxes done I mentioned that I wanted to get out of my house and he called his Lawyer wife over to his office and for just that small moment...........
 

 

The skies opened up, the light shone down, angels were singing.... His wife told me they'd take the house for just the rest of the mortgage....

E. you are my Angel! TY

We gave them the house and rented a small townhome in a nearby town