Out Of The Frying Pan And Then Into The Oven

 

 

Out Of The Frying Pan And Then Into The Oven

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As my sex life was spiraling out of control, things were gonna get way worse.

The day my Daddy got in the car wreck I had been out shopping at the Hallmark store in town. That day I had woken up and realized that my father HAD loved me all along and that my mother had poisoned my mind against him. I went there to buy a card to tell him that. I then stopped at my moms office and got the bad news.

 

Daddy got into a bad car crash near my cousins restaurant, and was air lifted to the hospital with 87 broken bones. Two men were buzzed after lunch drinks. The 4 days following the crash till the day my Daddy succumbed to his massive injuries I could have spent with him at the hospital. I wanted to be there! BUT my mothers hatred of my father won out. She convinced me that I wasn't able to drive to go see him, that I was in shock and that SHE'D take me when she got a chance! That ended up only being that one time! I was very familiar with the area the hospital was at since I drove to Elsemere, DE regularly to shop at YONGS Oriental Market on Route 2.
But as with the lies she'd fill me with to prevent me from getting my license and everything else she brainwashed me with to control me, I believed her. I thought maybe I was in shock and I just didn't know it or see it...So I didn't go....

More Gaslighting!

So I never got to see my father but that singular 5 minute visit before he died and I will never forgive her for stealing that from me. It didn't matter if she hated him and wanted to punish him.  She punished me cause I loved him.
I will NEVER forgive that!

-----*-----

After my Father died.......
I inherited some shit.
I first went and bought myself a red 1991 Jeep Wrangler and started paying the payment on time
regularly and was in great shape creditwise. I was friends with a Police Chief...Him and the Lieutenant would eat at The Seafood place each day at lunch. He told me I should buy a house as a tax write-off and I was totally shocked... I didn't know I could do that. I was shocked I was actually capable of buying a house! So the Chief helped me by giving me all his contacts and his taxman and broker and his lawyers name and even drove over to look at 2 houses for me.

I bought my first house in Chester County Pa in 1992...

The first day I went to my brand new house my next door neighbor, Judy came over and told me point blank, "Don't park in front of your house, that's where my daughter parks in the afternoon when she visits"

One day I pulled up and parked in front of my house to drop things off, I hastily parked the wrong way and when I walked out to leave and there was a parking ticket on my car. Judy had reported me to the cops!

Foreshadowing of things to come!
 

Me Before Ricky - Who my sister called fat and ugly.

I was still working at the Seafood Place and this blonde haired guy came in looking for a Job, his name was Ken and he was very sweet and nice and long story short one day I noticed that he wasn't at work for a few weeks and a coworker told me he'd been arrested and was in Jail and other coworkers were visiting him and writing to him so I too started to write to him and visit him at the Jail and he showed his cellmate our letter and his cellmate recognized my name as someone he went to school with years ago... I called my old School and asked the secretary if she remembered this guy named Ricky (cause I didn't recall him) she said "Yes such a sweet loving boy, verrry smart" So I started writing to him and then started visiting him...

FIRST OF ALL AGAIN, WHERE WAS MY MOTHER? WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE? WHY WASN'T SHE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT NOT SEEING LOSERS AND CRIMINALS IN JAIL OR FORBIDDING IT?????

She said NOTHING! In fact again she seemed to think it was CUTE and even a little EXCITING to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smiled and was excited when asking me questions!
W-T-F!!!!!!!!!!!
RED FLAGS all through my life and no one paid attention!

I finally moved into my own house 6 months later on September 23rd, 1992. 

 

I WAS FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a license, a car, a house and money.

 

But I didn't have love....

 

My credit and my house were spotless at this time. I owned a 13 inch color tv with rabbit ears and no remote and had no intention on getting a bigger tv or cable cause I just didn't care, I was hoping to go to Kraft college in Philly and didn't think Id be home.

 

I had soooooo much energy, I was excited about life.

I think I went back to my Mothers apt to visit a total of 6 times in the 10 yrs she remained there. I did see her at her office tho.

I had such a short little window of aloneness and ME time after getting away from my mother and being on my own...I truly believe that had that time extended a few years Id have had a real go at a real life. I'd have figured things out for myself. But I was so starved for love and attention that it was doomed from jump.

So one day I was at Raymond's house and Ted was there and Ted got pissed cause I was fawning over Raymond and he pulled me down onto the ground and pushed my face into the carpet and my gum fell out of my mouth and got in my hair and I got up and stormed out and went home. Shortly after getting home I got a collect call from the Jail, It was Ricky. He was so positive, happy and seemed to be truly interested in what I was saying... I stopped going to Raymonds after that.

I had never seen a positive role model of a good marriage, or relationship. My parents marriage was so dysfunctional and full of anger and sadness. I never once saw kisses, hugs, smiles or love between them.

My Mom slept in the Guestroom.  How was I supposed to know what healthy relationships were like? I was so dumb I really thought Ricky truly loved me and cared about me and wanted the same things I wanted out of life. Over the next year we fell in "love" and planned our future and our 4 kids names.... He told me he wasn't into drugs or drinking and that he was getting his license after he got out..He told me that he knew everything about babies because his ex-fiance Holly had a baby when he lived with her and he helped take care of her...I was so naiive and kept in the dark by my mother about EVERYTHING that I truly was thinking that he must be the one after all he's the first one who wants to spend so much time talking to me! (OH BOY! how naiive! He was stuck in jail! where could he go, but sit and talk to me? LOL) and he tells me he loves me 20 times a day!
 

 

 

One day I went up to see him and I was told his ex fiance (so he says) had already been there to see him and he could not see anyone else. I felt jealous! After that I realized I loved him. or thought I loved him.
So one day suddenly Ricky was released from jail and he moved into my house just like that! His crime was not violent, sexual or deadly We had sex the night after he was released, it was okay but not spectacular.
*
I didn't want to be a stay at home mom. I did want kids but I wanted them to be independent, cause I wanted to start a business. But I did love cooking and doing nice little happy holiday things. Little
surprises.
I wanted to raise my kids the opposite of me.

I wanted an exciting life, an exciting relationship, kinky sex and I wanted to travel.

*
Ricky knew FULL WELL that I liked Dominant men and kinky sex, we discussed it thoroughly in
endless calls and letters while he was in jail, but after he was released and moved into my house he would giggle nervously when I tried to get him to Dominate me and I was always left unfulfilled and honestly
we ended up really having a horrible sexlife. I had read The Story Of O and knew who I was and what I wanted by then.

 

To any young girls who may be reading this: Men in Prison, are not mature men, They are the type who resort to being babies in a relationship. They generally can't or don't want gainful legal employment. Having a great homelife, means a calm stable environment. Men who go to jail are not stable or calm. Men in jail have anger issues and anger in a marriage tends to shut women down emotionally and then sex dies. 

STAY AWAY FROM ANY MAN WHO HAS FALSE MASCULINITY OR MOMMY OR DADDY ISSUES OR LIKES TO PLAY WITH TOYS MOST OF THE TIME. MAN CAVES JUST HELP DISSOLVE A MARRIAGE.

Man Caves are for Boys Seeking to run away from their wives and responsibilities.

*

Anyway, there was never ONE indication that I ever gave him that told him that I was NOT kinky. I
expected lots of fun and interesting sex. I told him EXACTLY what I liked and expected of him and he never gave any indication that he wasn't into it too...

But he wasn't. He LIED.

Did he think I wanted to stop the KINK and stuff?

I didn't.
A few years into the relationship we had had a sex argument and he said something like he took me away or saved me from being a slut.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck HIM!
He lied about
LOVING ME,
Being Kinky
Wanting to get a Job
(I used to Xerox pages out of What Color Is Your Parachute to send him to help him figure out
what job he'd be best at)
Knowing how to take care of babies
Wanting a car and license.
Not being into drugs
Being a Dominant 
I NEVER missrepresented myself, ONE IOTA!
HE DID
He became a 10 year old after he got out of Jail. He refused to get his license or job and be a
man. He never treated me like a WOMAN, but he sure treated me like a mommy....

"Can you drive me to Richie's house?'
"Can I have $20.00?"
YUK!

I'm sure that had I gotten therapy after my rape maaaayyybe me and Ricky MIGHT have had a chance, if we didn't have the sexual difficulties. Maybe the sexual difficulties caused the huge rift and resentments, maybe not. Maybe Ricky was just a plain ole lazy, lying, con-man loser! Maybe I'm still blaming myself.
Whatever it was it was a huge issue.
*
Anyway a month after he got out of jail, he got a job, he worked at a dog Kennel in the dog pens...3 months later he said he was so miserable he quit. Then he tried to get another job and then I couldn't drive due to my lawyer not doing anything my expired registration and not filing the paperwork and snorting all my money up his nose (his secretary apologized years later for quitting on him and leaving all the clients in disarray when I saw her at the local Pharmacy) and so I couldn't drive Ricky to any Jobs for at least 6 months. Then he worked at a car Detailing place nearby for 2 months and quit....He then sat around the house and moped in a funk all day Then the excuses started in earnest. He said that everywhere he works he does such a great job and is so eager to please that his boss starts taking advantage of him and leaves him at the business alone to do all the work and hes always so exhausted...He blamed it all on his father abusing him physically as a child...He'd cry and act sad when he brought it up and eventually he convinced me he had to wait to find the exact right job...

 

WHY WAS I SO DUMB???????

PLEASE DON'T BE DUMB LIKE ME!
I thought he really loved me and I was so understanding (gag)...

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I'm sure if I had not been gaslighted to mistrust my instincts I would have kicked him out THEN, not 10 years later. But I was so brainwashed into thinking I was bad and deserved shitty treatment...

 

I now realize that Ricky was a Narcissist just like my Mom and I fell right back into that type of relationship because I had no one in my court that loved me and would tell me.