Losing The Trifecta To Win The Race (NSFW)

Losing The Trifecta To Win The Race

After I got rid of Ricky, I lost a lot of weight (80 pounds), I went back to blonde and started wearing cute clothes and being happy again...

 

I made that corset, Dan loved it.
 

Six months after he was fully out of my life my beautiful, thick down to my ass blonde hair started falling out. I wasn't bald or anything but ponytails were noticeably thinner. 

All that stress for all those years...

 

But I slowly accepted it and moved on.

I then got a cable modem and downloaded the Paltalk program. You know, the program you can make rooms and voice chat with multiple people at a time. At night, I started hanging out in an adult conversation room...
It was a room that had flirty chatter and adult games, it was not a triple X porn room. After 10 lonely, unfulfilled years with Ricky and after reading The Story Of O years earlier I knew what I wanted was THAT, I wanted to be someone's submissive and have a Master who'd punish me and do bad but fun things to me and there appeared to be real BDSM people in Voice Chat, and so I had put out feelers in the chatroom. I had a few takers who I cybered with who Dominated me etc. One day a Man showed up in the room named Dan, He wore penis glasses on cam, His voice was deep and sublime. He sounded like William Shatner...He was a chubby 55 yr old Satyr. He was an ex NYC Cabby. He was very very laid back.

We spent a year talking in Voice Chat and cybering and He got so deep in my head I've never felt that
"owned" before. He knew my every thought and desire. I wanted to please Him so bad. One day I was on cam cybering with Him and He was in my head soooooo deep, mentally and verbally Dominating me as tears dripped down to my chin, I suddenly blurted out,

"I love you so much I'd do anything, I'd XXXXXXXXXXXXXX I'll do anything"

(I'm censoring what I told Him I'd do for Him, I want to keep some things private...I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth tho! I was shocked at myself, but not as shocked as I was that I knew instantly that I fully intended to go thru with it)

I heard Him exclaim in His laid back manner, "Oh my Precious! We will have to do something about that, wont we?"
3 weekends later I opened my door and there He was!
I was scared and excited and within 1 hour of that door opening I received the Trifecta of Pleasure, Pain and Fear, I did XXXXXXX for Him and had the pain from the first whipping of my life, and till He left at the end of the week we did everything I had ever wanted.

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You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me; I broke apart my insides
Help me; I've got no soul to sell
Help me; the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
You can have my isolation; you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith; you can have my everything
~NIN "Closer' 1994
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Everytime He'd visit me from Cape Cod He slapped me, whipped me till the green bamboo garden stakes broke and I was sore and it hurt to walk, fucked my ass and pussy, sat on my face made me lick His ass, and not only did He train me to suck him for 1-1/2 hours each and every night,
And I loved Him for it all...

The first full whipping I took, I screamed bloody murder. While it happened I wanted to run and get out of my skin, but if He would stop for a few seconds I'd panic cause I didn't want it to stop.

 

One day He had me laying on my back with my head hanging over the side of my bed my arms handcuffed behind my back my knees bent and spread, He was fucking my mouth HARD, very hard, and at the same time, using that brown leather belt I feared so much on my pussy and inner thighs, stopping to play with my pussy every so often...
The same Trifecta Fear, Pain and Pleasure
He was fucking my mouth so hard I was choking and couldn't breathe, my pussy was throbbing and dripping wet and I was struggling against the belt, so much happening at once, too much emotion....

I moved my head away from His cock, pulling out crystal clear strands of mouth cum with it. I drew a strong hard breath and then started sobbing, tears coming hard and fast
Such a great intense release!
It felt so good to let it all out...
I didn't cry when any major things happened in my life, I still don't.
I've spent years self medicating with food and other things to numb me out so I don't feel anything but it all got beat out of me that day.
I wanted it to last forever. I wanted to feel that fear while He was putting my restraints on, I wanted to be on my knees and have him slap the taste out of my mouth and then offer my open mouth for Him...
 

I wanted Him to fuck my ass rough and hard

But..............................

Like everything in my life I need or love, they get taken from me.........

 

💧

Dan had twin sons but he moved here to be with me. 

One day his ex wife, Nina called and told him their sons were having stomach issues and 2 months later after another Doctors visit that turned into being diagnosed with a horrible genetic issue and he then moved back to be with them. They'd need round the clock care!

Someone had to stay home with them!

So he went back to Massachusetts, and tried to stay in touch.

Then my son started having issues at school and we couldn't make it work long distance and then 6 months after he went back he died of a heart attack from diabetes complications...

 And I died inside. 

Saddest day of my life. 

I cried for a month and had a little breakdown

I miss him all the time. 

I loved Him so much. 💓

 

Sir: Precious? Did I ruin you for all other men?

Dru: Yes yes you did Sir, yes you did. 

--------------------------
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...
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      Him in front of the Reading, Pa Pagoda (we almost got caught being naughty on the 4th floor, LOL)

 

I'm sure everyone reading this will wonder WHY, after my rape, would I WANT BDSM?

The answer is simple, I would have been a submissive even if I wasn't raped. It's who I am. I'm not going to deny my truest nature because something out of my control happened to me. Why should I? Everything else was STOLEN from me!

Plus I have done so much introspection and research and apparently many people who are into BDSM  have been raped, and use BDSM to heal. Its like the Phoenix Rising From The Ashes! Many submissives say that when they get whipped, it strengthens them and they feel powerful. I am no exception. I feel high afterwards.

It was passion, excitement, and I felt full emotions

after a lifetime of numbing and keeping my emotions hidden and inside...

We went places during the day, watched movies at night.

I was having a real relationship.

----*-----

It took me a full year to get over Dan and then I started seeing a therapist and went no contact with my mother.
After being free of both my Mother and Ricky I really started becoming free. I started taking care of myself and my body, I got within 5 pounds of my goal weight. I was wearing really cute clothes and I was sooooo happy.
I was making new friends after signing my son up for baseball and other activities.... I went on my first waterslide, went to all the fairs in the area, took my son to tons of museums and places, went to the Reading Phillies games, was invited to BBQs, started GEOCaching and saw Fourth Of July Fireworks...
I was finally living my life and enjoying it.

But I was still looking for Dan's replacement.
I was loving life but still wanted a Dominant.

Then I started getting sick...
I was diagnosed with GERD and told I had to go on this GERD diet, at that time I was eating lots of veggies, low-carb bread, salads, fish, chicken, almond butter and whole milk cottage cheese, the GERD diet said no more acid based or creamy dressings, or high fat foods. So salads were out and so were foods which satiated me. They said to eat more rice and bland foods. I started gaining weight again and still didn't feel better. I went back and they sent me to the hospital for tests and it was determined to be Gallbladder disease from all my years of dieting. I had my gallbladder out. The weight slowly started creeping back on.

 

I was now 40 and the likelihood of me, at 40 finding another magical kinky Satyr man like Dan, who valued his kids and wasn't offended if I had time with mine, was pretty slim. My time was passed.

 

I decided one day that I was gonna give up looking for romance. I was gonna say goodbye to BDSM. Say Goodbye to that trifecta... I was just gonna be my sons mom, play Santa and the Easter Bunny forever, Take him to his annual birthday shopping trip and be homeroom mom and let him play hooky and skip school to take the train to Philly for the Video Game convention, yeah, I am that type of cool mom. 

So I was just gonna be a mom.

I thought that thru, made the decision and was settled. 

 

I wasn't sad. I was settled and happy with it...

I had had 3 years with Dan, some subs cant even get a date. I should be grateful.

The interesting thing that happened was that once the 34 year long search to get that Trifecta came to an abrupt end, was that I was finally able to work on Me, free of the distractions of sex...
Oh wow! so this is what life should have felt like to me at age 11 and on!
I had a one track personality. Everything circled around SEX. But a magical thing happened when the sex was stripped away, My real true personality was able to shine thru and develop, and guess what?
Without my oversexed personality, without Ricky to control me, with no debts to worry me, and
stripped of the brainwashing and chains my Narcissistic Mother kept me down with, I found out
that I'm a pretty cool, decent, funny, interesting, intelligent person.....
I like ME!
I'm a capable, independent, strong, truly DECENT, Woman
And NO ONE can bring me down any more!