Interests Make You Interesting

 

Interests Make You Interesting

1 Dimensional Parents Cannot Raise 3 Dimensional Kids

Kids don't just need a Full Toolbox to grow into healthy adults, they also need structure, nurturing, goals, protection, guidance and a specific sequence of stages of development in order to be a healthy happy adult.

 

And they need INTERESTS that suit them

A child is not the PROPERTY of the parent. The child is it's own person with it's own wants, needs, personality, opinions and personal goals in life. The parent cannot force the child to want what the parent wants in life cause the child will never be fulfilled or satisfied.

 

I was raised in the 60s-70s and 80s... Before computers, cellphones etc.
Back then, it was a parents job to find enrichment activities... like after school activities, summer activities, learning and cultural programs, sports, clubs etc. There were no computers or Google to look shit up on. You had the school, church, word of mouth and other peoples recommendations.

It is YOUR job as a parent in the modern world, to pay attention to your children and find out what they excel at, what they express interest in, find out their dreams and goals and find things for them to do, outside of their family and school.

The reason for this, of course, is so your child has a fuller life, finds friends who have a common interest. So they have things to talk about. So they can see their strengths, weaknesses, etc..

You can't have a rich full life being insular at home all the time. You need activities.  We had no video games in the 60s and 70s, Atari came in the 80s, but not all kids had it. Most kids played outside. Nowadays Video Games are an activity you can find friends with.

If all a child does growing up is sit at home and goes to and from school, they will be 1 dimensional. Who will your kids be able to talk to, or be friends with or relate to when they get out in the world? 

You can be smart as hell, but without interests you wont be interesting

 

Growing up, my mom saw my love for Elton John, knew I wanted to meet him. After the divorce She saw me fall in love with Japan and sushi, knew I taught myself German at age 13, was addicted to political talk radio since I was 12, rode my bike w/o training wheels before my older sister, was highly interested in tech gadgets even in the 1970s, I was deeply Geeky before computers were invented, She saw me read Pop Science Magazine, She saw me immerse myself in Cultures, Countries etc, She knew I wanted to travel, I was ALWAYS the girl found deep in the woods exploring the abandoned houses and checking under rocks for crayfish...I wanted to get my license so I could travel, I took flying lessons at 20, was super creative and a talented sewer and a creative. I could take a fabric remnant from Joanne Fabrics and could create a 5 piece outfit (top, skirt, underwear, scrunchy and purse) with no pattern. I wanted to play sports in school, I took Shop in school. My best subjects: English and Science. Laid on the blacktop at school with my friend Joe (not my boyfriend Joe tho) and plan the restaurant we were gonna open. (Joe's mom was a waitress at my Uncles restaurant.)

 

Me in flying school with 80s hair
 

She saw and knew all of those things about me.

I also was a sexual child.
I had found the sex books behind my father's bookshelf. I enjoyed touching myself.  I was like all the kids in the 70s and 80s,

 

Before all of you get outraged at what I am saying, ALL KIDS have sexual feelings, but it's the parents job to protect them from predators and help raise them into sexually secure adults.  We all masturbated as children, we all at one time allowed someone else our age, to touch us for pleasure while playing Doctor etc. This is 100% NORMAL.

 

What is also NORMAL is children knowing their sexual orientations and temperament as young kids.

I knew I was different early on. When we kids would play Doctor I always volunteered to be the patient, I enjoyed being told what to do. Now that I am an adult, I have heard most submissives say the same.  

Most submissives I have known, enjoyed getting tied up as kids on the playground.  So I was a submissive.

 

I was boy crazy and maturing faster sexually than the other kids. I NEEDED MORE PROTECTION AND GUIDANCE because of this.

 

My Mother was a school teacher who had to take some child psychology classes to be a teacher. She was no dummy. She knew what NORMAL childhood development was, emotionally, developmentally and sexually. But she did the opposite of her college education...

My entire family basically ignored my needs, wants and goals. I did all my hobbies in solitude. I wasn't made aware that there was a huge vibrant Elton John fandom, or Japan Clubs, or Science Clubs etc. My sister on the other hand was chauffeured around to Tennis Lessons, Piano, Violin, Modelling, Acting. I guess tennis was a girly sport?

 
The parents job as a parent is thus to
Love them so they will love themselves and others
Respect them so they will respect themselves and others
Show interest in them and talk to them so they will be interested in others.
To have their back to they can relax and just be kids.

To not make them afraid to share things with you so the line of communication will always be open.
It's your job to protect your child and support and help him or her reach his or her goals and
dreams so they can be happy and fulfilled and have no regrets. Your job is to help them try to
achieve their goals even if the child's goals and dreams are different then yours,
And your other job is to listen to what he or she likes and is good at so you can guide them in
appropriate activities and career choices. If you always wanted girly girls and ribbons, lace, bows
& tea parties and your child is a tomboy and likes playing in the dirt and taking electronics apart
you don't then keep trying to steer her into being a hand model or cosmetologist or nurse. You
get her into sports or ask other mothers if there are any science classes your daughter can take
or get her into a science camp or something over the summer. And you do what all good
parents do and you don't let the child quit after a day in sports cause it teaches the child to be a
quitter and quit on everything.
Every child wants to quit the first day!

My son wanted to quit baseball the first day, I made him keep going and he LOVED IT!
My mother, if you ask her today, would probably only know one of my goals in life
She doesn't know because my mother never listens to me, nor talks to me.

----*-----

Stages of development

0-4
When you are little, you learn to trust and learn that your parents love you and are there to
protect and care about you. Its the time of no worries and just playing and being a kid and
having that cushion so that when you go out in the world you have that to fall back on.
5-10
As a school age child you are now in a social setting and learning to get along with others and
make friends. You learn rules of how to relate to others, as well as board game rules and rules of
exclusion and inclusion. Kids this age begin comparing themselves with peers and are
concerned about their abilities and talents.
11-16
Gaining independence and autonomy, experimenting and rebelling and teaching the parent that
you can be trusted. Learning boundaries. Parents are there to set rules and guide them.
17-18
Kids now have clear preferences and goals and they know what their career path is in life and
what type of spouse you want in your future
19-21
In college out on your own exploring adulthood and making your own decisions. More
experimenting, and setting your own rules without parents looking over your shoulders. Self
disciplining...Travelling, learning new things
22-25
Having a job, dating, getting married, having your own apartment, being a free couple without
kids, Romantic trips and evenings.
25-30
Being a parent buying your first house, entertaining. Being your own family unit. Bonding as a
family

*
All of these Stages are critical in each persons development. If one is missing or somehow
damaged you might not suffer too much, but if they are all damaged or missing then you are left
with an adult with major issues dealing with life, problems, others and responsibilities

For example,
If you don't establish trust with your parents when you are very small and they repeatedly allow
you to get hurt, then there is no cushion and you always hit hard ground and since you cannot
trust anyone you learn to protect yourself by "becoming hard", or using drugs or alcohol later
on.

If a child goes thru a time in life where they aren't allowed to be a child, they will then not be a
total grown up sometime later on.

If a teen doesn't have that period of independence of teen years they wont be satisfied in their
adulthood and be reliving their teen years to catch up.

If a person doesn't get that free alone young adult time between High School and Employment
or High School and after College, then it will effect their marriage or life later

If a couple doesn't have that young couple romantic time alone for a few years to travel and be
freely intimate before they have kids, they might grow to resent those kids.

So you can see how if one stage doesn't happen healthily and the next doesn't happen healthily
and so on and so on you have a very stunted or confused adult.

----*----

You can see in some of the STAGES above mentioning that kids need activities and to develop
their talents and have interests. Well all of that isn't JUST good for the individual child, but for
family bonding and cohesion.... A family who has no activities or does nothing together as a unit
basically will always fall apart. There is no glue.

Unfortunately...My Mother despised normal things for her kids...

These are a few of the things my mother hated:

Family Vacations
Popular Toys
Family Activities & Trips
Sports
Normal Food
Summer Fairs
Amusement Parks
Camping
Parades
Fourth Of July Firework Watching
Driving To Philly To Go To Museums Or Other Things
Road Trips
Backyard BBQs
Summers down the shore
Go-carts
Bowling
Mini Golf

Listening to music around the house.

Jokes that weren't hurtful
Etc, etc, etc...

Despised and refused them all!

And in 34 years that my mother has had her job at Skippy Widgets, she has never taken a vacation, EVER. Not even to go home and lay around the house for a week. Because Narcissists cant be still, because if they are alone with their thoughts, then they will realize how empty they really are, just as empty as their Toolbox

-----*-----

My Mother wanted her Dollies to stand out and be different than all other Dollies so she'd get Narc Supply.

My mother repeatedly said to me that she didn't want us to be like everyone else!
And BOY OH BOY we weren't!
(but honestly that's all I ever wanted, was to be like everyone else and be normal and fit in)
Once when I came home from my lil friend Colleens house I wanted eggs like Colleens mom
made her, with ketchup. My mother stated clearly "No! Only white trash people eat eggs with
ketchup!"

Growing up I was repeatedly informed that Sports were for boys as are Showers (baths were for
girls I guess)

My mother explained away not going on trips by stating "I don't like all that packing and driving
and concentrating!"

In Kindergarten Mrs. Jones was pre-advised by my mother that I was not allowed to have the
Juice or the Cookies at "juice & cookie" time cause I might get diabetes. (!!!) So I sat there
watching the other kids eat, making them all think I was a weirdo.

So, you see, this isn't about crying about not getting to eat a BigMac everyday for dinner or not being allowed to go to R-Rated movies (My Dad took me to see S.O.B. AT 14 and I saw Julie Andrews bare tits) or bitching about not being allowed to go on an overnighter at age 13 to NYC.

What this is about however is a Mother who was averse to any kind of normal things, activities
or living.

Where was T-Ball or Soccer?
Where was any kind of activity or interest?
It is called ENRICHMENT and ALL children need it to grow up, it's how you learn to be good sports, get along with others, have confidence and stamina and perseverance and to let off steam. Normal families, no matter what hardships or affluence or no matter what size or type of family they are, generally do the same things. They go on vacations, have BBQs, they sign their kids up for T-ball or soccer. These are all bonding activities, memory makers, ways to have fun and relax and get to know your family and be a family.

We did NOTHING!

From the time we moved to West Chester till the time I moved out, all we ever did was eat, go to the mall and watch TV and go to my Grandmas in Chester, Pa.... Oh and go to my Uncles restaurant.

The only time I can remember being happy within my family unit was Holidays. It was one of the few times my mother seemed to like me or at least enjoy being around me. And it felt NORMAL. So holidays became VERY VERY important to me. But the rest of the year.......It was back to being ABNORMAL.

 

On the very very small occasions that we somehow did something fun, like when my Mother won a cooking contest and we got a free weekend in Ocean City MD, she couldn't just relax and have a blast. It was stiff and strained and we had to stay with her the entire time. Look, I can understand the "diabetic kitchen" aspect of not having junk food in the house to tempt the diabetic sister, or not having the money to rent a house at the shore for an entire week, but when you grow up and get around peers and EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.THEM are talking about the same fun trips, toys, food etc they did or had growing up and you have NOTHING TO OFFER THE CONVERSATION AT ALL, it makes you feel like a total outcast, and if you have read the rest of this part of the book you should know by now that I personally could not afford one more adversity in my life to prevent me from feeling normal or making friends.

It also makes you a pretty boring date, when the date strikes up a conversation with you and you have nothing to offer...

"Hey Dru, what do you like to do during the summer?"
"Uhh, I dunno, sit around the house! Watch TV, Go to the mall! Eat?

If you don't know what life is supposed to be or what life has to offer, how do you answer the age old question a guy asks you, "Dru what do ya wanna do this weekend?" How was I supposed to keep a marriage together if I had no interests to offer any conversation or when my BF or Hubby asks me "what do you wanna do this weekend?" I HAD NO RESPONSE CAUSE I NEVER DID ANYTHING GROWING UP! NOR DID I HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT KIND OF ACTIVITIES WERE FUCKING OUT THERE!
I was the most boring friend too cause of the same exact things! As a matter if fact, outside of school how the fuck was I supposed to MEET FRIENDS? Certainly NOT sitting at home, eating, watching TV and going to the mall with Mom and Sis!

I can understand not being into something like camping, but to not EVER take your kids to a Fourth Of July Fireworks viewing? WTF kinda strange warped person doesn't want their kids to experience fireworks at least even ONCE!? I guess the same strange warped person who refused to do any of the following NORMAL HEALTHY parenting things either:

Normal Discipline (like being grounded for a specified time)
Giving Kids Chores
Caring And Expecting The Kids To Get Good Grades
Expectations Of College
Teaching Kids About Money Thru Allowances
Etc.

All of which were TOOLS that all NORMAL Mothers do for their kids so they grow up to go on and be capable, competent, accountable, independent, disciplined adults and have good futures. My Mother never gave one shit about me or my sisters grades, futures or college! She didn't care about what was going on in our schools, she didn't care if we got good grades or did our homework... She didn't care if we went to college or not. In fact she made the point to tell us that, "Grades and college aren't important to me." Of course Dana got great marks sheerly cause she was the Golden Child and had to live up to that, but it was never a necessity to my Mother. We were never expected to do anything. She also didn't believe in chores or allowances. Shed tell me to go clean the kitchen and then it was never good enough for her so she redid it. And then would never ask again. I guess she never thought of TEACHING me to do it right, right? It was yet another thing to make me feel inadequate.
I wasn't taught to clean so I never was able to clean my own house I wasn't given any allowance or taught about money so growing up I got in debt a lot and had to learn the hard way how to budget. See these are all teachable moments for normal parents. PARENTS are their children's TEACHERS. Where else are children to learn how to become an adult if not by their parents? 

 

My Mother did NOTHING.

But then SHE wants to talk bad about her co worker Sam's ex-wife not teaching their son how to order food for himself at McDonalds (he was 17) and basically be an incapable slacker? She was NO better than Sam's ex-wife!.

 

 Glass houses and plank in eye and all that, Mother!

I think we now know why my Mother never went back to teaching. She didn't like to TEACH!

 

As far as being grounded like normal kids?

Look,
I'm not blameless at all, do not get me wrong! I did do some bad things growing up.
Who didn't though?

My little friend Sarah asked me if I wanted to learn how to get "free" stuff at the mall and I promptly got arrested for shoplifting our first time out at age 11 (and I never did it again), I crank called people, I put red food coloring in someones drink I didnt like in our little kiddy restaurant me and my sister had. I was goaded into putting a nasty note in a neighbors mailbox. I drank alcohol and smoked pot underage and I snuck out to see my Boyfriend one night.

Those are my crimes!

Literally those were THE ONLY THINGS.
But how many other teens did those same things and/or similar?
LOADS!

But the difference between MY crimes and the similar crimes of other kids my age was that they got grounded or had privileges taken away for an assigned period of time. ME? I just was never allowed to do anything EVER! My punishment was getting scowled at every chance she got, every single thing I ever did bad my whole life was brought up and thrown in my face repeatedly forever, and never being allowed to do anything ever.

I got "punished" for many many things I NEVER even did as well...

Example #1: My mother accused me of stealing her divorce papers for Gods sake! No joke! She
has repeatedly asked me over the years if I took her divorce papers! I never even saw them!! WHY would I want her damn divorce papers?

She also accused me of stealing her Mace Pen (aka old name for Pepper Spray) Look, first it was from her college days in the early 60s. She had it in the "Junk box" which was a Xerox paper box, under 5 Inches of papers and other junk, in a closed cabinet for DECADES. We all went in there to get pens or safety pins etc. It was probably dried up and expired. Why would I want dried up, expired 30 yr old pepper spray? She probably lost it in the move to Paoli...

BTW why was her mace pen in a closed cabinet under other shit anyway? What if someone broke in?

Example #2: Me, my friend/lover Tina and my friend Cara decided to go to my old neighborhood to
Trick or Treat one Halloween. One of us had the bright idea of going on Roller Skates (!!!???). We were 2/3rds thru the neighborhood and we were just leaving the Smiths house and were heading down Riverview Dr when the neighborhood rich girl Paris Hoffman for some reason, called Tina "Trailer Trash"...Tina walked up to her and asked her what she had said and Paris got in her face and called her Trailer Trash AGAIN. Tina told her to take it back and that's when Paris kicked or kneed Tina in the crotch causing Tina to fall off her skates, as she was falling her skate hit Paris' foot. Paris ran off crying saying she was gonna tell her Daddy.
We knew the Hoffmans had BIG MONEY and so we ran and hid under a tree across from the Brocks house (where my mom was set to pick us up) and then we heard sirens and just as my mom came the cops pulled up. Instead of being concerned and asking us what happened FIRST, She instantly accused me of whatever and even after the police told us to come to the station to take our statements and we ALL GAVE THE SAME STATEMENT, as I just wrote out above, she still scowled at me for days, and punished me by telling me I couldn't have Tina or Cara over for awhile. No charges were filed because Paris was the one who verbally assaulted Tina and kicked her. We had done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!

So why was I treated like shit and punished?
??????

 

This is why I have a complex.

*

It did not matter whether I had done something wrong or not. No matter what I had done I got the same treatment ALWAYS! And she never ever asked FIRST, LISTENED, & THEN ACTED. She automatically blamed me no matter what, and probably 1/100th of the time had I actually done something. So it was a highly unhealthy way of growing up. 

 

There was no sentencing, time served and
forgiveness.
No teaching me responsibility.
It was just prison 24/7.
Where was the counter activity?
Where was the REWARDS for being good?
What was I learning?
Where was the lesson on being a good steward of the planet or being kind to others etc
I was learning that no matter what, its always my fault, even if I did nothing.
No wonder I'm so datgum screwed up!

----*----

As for Number 5

"5) Food, Water, Clothes, Medical Care and a warm place to live"

She gave me the food, water, clothes and a place to live BUT
My mother didn't take care of me very well...

My mother never noticed I'd go to school smelling pretty bad after the rape. She'd make me go to school with a cold and a fever numerous times. As a child and teen I'd repeatedly experience these weird episodes where I'd smell blood at times and at others my ears would get very very hypersensitive and everything was so loud and uncomfortable. Id get weird headaches. Not once did she pick up the phone to call the Dr and make an appointment. How did she know it wasn't a brain tumor?

I can remember having some kind of school trip or something which entailed me staying overnight at my favorite teachers house (Mrs Marcos's) and leaving very early the next morning. I had the flu and a high fever, and at dinner at Mrs Marcos's I kept falling asleep in my wooziness at the table! WHY DID MY MOTHER SEND ME TO MRS MARCOS'S ON A TRIP WITH THE FLU?

In the late 1980s I was diagnosed with fatigue. I also had a flu that lasted 2 months and which left me with neurological problems. Yet I can recall my mother thinking nothing of it and going on her day to day routine as if nothing was wrong. For 2 months I laid in bed, listless...Yet I can recall my mother making a huge issue out of my sister falling in the backyard at the Lima house and breaking her tailbone and my mother rushing her to the hospital. Everytime my sister got even so much as a cut, it was off to the Drs. My front teeth have a gap and are crooked yet my sister got the braces.

In 1988 I made myself an appointment at an ear Dr and got a full round of tests. I am half deaf. My right ear is "legally deaf" and I was tired of being in crowds of people or friends and not be able to follow conversations. The Dr suggested I get Timpanoplasty surgery to clear out scar tissue and rebuild my perforated eardrums, from years of failed tubes and ear infections. My mother talked me out of it and scared me not to do it. So to this day I still am half deaf. 

 

Add to this my mothers not teaching me anything, not giving me tools, never having any activities etc for me, gaslighting me, and treating me differently from my sister, and you see why I'm so dysfunctional and damaged to this day....

 

I would have loved being given tools, instructions, a pep talk, told I was pretty instead of ugly and fat, given encouragement, listened to, loved, had a conversation with me, anything!

 

I WAS STARVING FOR LOVE AND ATTENTION!

I was screaming it very loudly!

Where were people?

 

Why didn't anyone care?

 

I grew up feeling like Sandra Bullocks character in While You Were Sleeping, Lucy Eleanor Moderatz, a great, romantic woman, a diamond in the rough, plugging along, no one sees her or knows how fun and great she is, but she just keeps going, droning on day after day.

 

 My mother wanted to be a mother her whole life, then when she became one, she didn't want to mother.

She had an Empty Toolbox and No Toys