Freedom And Fear

 

 

 

I was a Free Spirit!
I was a curious child. I loved learning.
I loved Elton John, arts and crafts, culture, foreign languages, the outdoors and current events...I wanted to play sports and go camping but those things were discouraged...I taught myself to sew and read and write German at age 13, and listened to political talk radio all night long. I had penpals from all over the world at one time. I joined the Table Grape protest after Cesar Chavez told us migrant farmworkers were being
sprayed with pesticides while they worked on the fields and became a member of Amnesty International.

I know now that I was a good girl. I never used racial slurs or used the word "Retard"...I hated
fighting and conflict and avoided it like the plague. I was always the one making sure everyone had their belongings if we were out somewhere. I walked on eggshells a lot and put myself last.

I was a good kid with normal wants, goals, feelings etc...

I had posters of Rock Stars on my walls, I danced to music. I was a fangirl. I was a creator and an artist, I could take a fabric remnant from the fabric store and with NO pattern transform it into a whole matching outfit with top, skirt, purse, undies and matching scrunchie...I could look at 3 pieces of styrofoam packing material and glue them together and spray paint them with granite look spray paint and it would look like stone art.

I wasnt a follower or a leader, I was an individual.

I wanted to see the world, eat real sushi in Japan and go see Neuschwanzstein Castle in Germany, and ride the Chunnel in the UK. I wanted to jump out of airplanes and learn to drive every vehicle on earth. I wanted to get my license so I could go go go. And get out of my prison cell...

I just wanted to be free and happy and feel a part of the world,,,,
But I had no clue about how to get it.

-----*-----

Despite everything I just wrote, I was actually 100% unaware of the sheer magnitude of my potential or how awesome I was.

Because of my mothers Gaslighting.

I always hear celebrities say how "Everyone told me I wasnt gonna make it but I always believed
in myself" I believe most of those people had at least a Grandma or friend who believed in them and that is why they made it.

I had so much talent and ideas.

But I had had it drummed into my head for so long that I was nothing, that I was bad, that I was
a troublemaker, that I was irresponsible and all those other negative things she would label me
with, that I didnt see the full picture...and no one in my life was contradicting my Mother.
No one wanted to mess with the situation, or get involved or perhaps they truly saw nothing, I
dont know, but only years later did people say things to me.

My sister Dana was 1 year older than me and she did nothing to help me. In fact, my sister was
basically our Mother's Deputy and doled out "sentences" in our mothers stead.
Our Mother really didnt like me much, but she also wanted to make sure those she did like and
wanted to stay in good favor with, thought she was a Great Caring Doting Mother. So instead of
doing it herself and showing me how much she disliked me, she consistently looked the other
way as my sister ridiculed me, beat me up, stole my friends, clothing and other possessions,
called me fat, ugly, a loser, stupid and said I had no friends or taste.

I was shown that I had no VALUE by her never defending me. If a person sees a person beating a
dog they step in to help the dog, my mother treated me like shit. Thus I grew up thinking I was trash. Which laid out the foundation of depression that has carried on to this day.

Im always depressed, ALWAYS.

I think my depression and hopelessness started the 5th time my Mother relegated me to the
backseat, in favor of my sister. "Shes diabetic! If she rides in the back, she will get nauseous and not feel well, you sit in the back!"

 

I could feel my sister smiling at me like Little House On The Prairie's Nelly Oleson!

 
Thus began my lifelong sadness and self worth issues.

----*----

My self worth and esteem issues were just part of the trio of things to kill my potential...The 3rd part was
FEAR!

From a very early age I was in fear. I was in fear that my father would hurt my Mom, first and foremost.
I was in fear of my sister who would beat me up. I was in fear of the neighborhood kids who would bully me and beat me up. Later on it was a different kind of fear that Id feel when Id see Billy in the neighborhood signalling me to come with him into a laundry room.

But the biggest most destructive form of FEAR I felt was of normal everyday things. Things like hoop earrings, normal risk taking, packing and travelling, going on trips, snow, moving away from the Philadelphia area. My mother made me fear living.

"I dont want you wearing hoop earrings to school, the boys will yank them out and tear your ear
off!"
"If you move over ten miles away from me Ill never visit you"
(While wide eyed and shaking her head and grabbing my shoulder) 

"Dont ask him/her that!"
(Over completely normal questions in social situations)
(when I was 16) "I dont want you going to the mall by yourself, you will have to go with your
sister!"
"I dont want you getting the ear surgery, those are cadaver eardrums"
"I dont want you running or jogging cause it will damage your breast tissue!"
"I dont want you playing sports cause you could hurt your face or breasts or vagina!"

She even taught me to fear and distrust myself...
"I know you Dru! If you get your license and someone cuts you off, you will hunt them down and plough into them"

When the first snow flakes of the year fell, my mother would come home from work and keep us home from school. We'd go no where if there was a little snow on the ground. This makes me fear snow TO THIS DAY! I grew up into adulthood actually rearranging my life according to what the weather was.
I wanted to go to Kraft Institute in Philly but didnt go cause my mother actually said "Thats too far with all that traffic and snow"!

When she told me that shed never come to visit me if I moved over 10 miles away I was still under her mind control and still was desperate for her approval and love and I was scared stiff that Id never see her if I moved too far away. So it limited me and my choices. If my mother had to drive on the highway like I-95 or the Pa Turnpike, shed freak out! The radio would be turned off and shed nervously yell, "I cant concentrate with you talking!" and it would be white knuckle time.

My father was a speed demon... So Getting into a car with either one of them was NO TREAT!

Thus the whole act of going anywhere started with FEAR. My mother already HATED traveling for some strange reason. HATED IT! Hated packing! Hated road trips! Hated Vacations! Hated Resorts! Hated Amusement Parks  Hated The Shore and was DEEPLY afraid of the scary rides! So that made ME nervous and scared to even THINK of traveling or going on vacation anywhere! (RIGHT NOW my heart is beating swiftly just imagining going over 30 miles away from my house. And staying overnight? NO WAY!) And NEVER in the winter if it might snow.

My mother crippled me and my possibilities and my potential. I wanna go to Japan so bad but Im scared to fly and scared to be so far away from my home. And its all irrational FEAR. Id love to go and visit people I know online for lunch in NYC but thats scary! What if my house burns down or gets burgled or my dogs escape? What if my car breaks down? What if it snows?

Because of my mothers FEARS, I still am half deaf, I never played sports Im scared to travel and
drive in the snow and I still live within 10 miles of my mother.

________________________________________________

Teach by example. Be careful not to transfer your own phobias onto your children. If your child
sees you frequently overreacting in certain situations, she is bound to assume she should be
afraid also. Overcoming your own fears will set a good example for your child.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5708776_children-overcome-excessive-fear.html#ixzz1dbvsHCu4
If your child is knocked over by a dog he may become fearful of all dogs. As a parent you can
also pass on your own fears to your child. If for example you act afraid of insects or thunder in
front of your child you are often likely to pass that fear on to him.
Also being an overprotective parent constantly pointing out potential dangers to your child can
ultimately communicate to him that the world is a dangerous place. Instilling fear in your child
blocks him from learning self-control and taking risks and living life to it's fullest.
http://www.child-development-guide.com/childhood-fears.html