Final Words For Book #1

 

Final Words For Book #1

Up until now all the thoughts and psychological concepts I have tried to convey in this part of my book have been pretty easy -- if not for the extreme depression I have gone through while writing it all out.
But explaining and describing my life since I went to therapy and stopped talking to my mother and the collateral damage from my life with her is difficult.

One day I woke up and realized that every single day that I have had to live thru all the pain,
depression, sadness, abuse, rejection etc, my mother has lived her life like it was business as usual. My mother gets up at 5 am, gets a bath, eats breakfast, gets dressed, puts on make up, drives to work, does her job to the best of her abilities, eats lunch, cleans up and straightens up the office, stops at the bank and grocery store, drives home, eats dinner, cleans up, gets a bath, and is in bed asleep by 9:30pm snoring away without a care in the world. 

 

She can pay all her bills on time, balance her checkbook, assiduously takes care of her teeth and skin, eats healthy, makes all her appointments on time, goes to the Dr for regular checkups, brushes and flosses after each meal & keeps her house clean.

What this tells me is that she has no real worries. Nothing truly bothering her. No outward signs of internal struggles at all.

Most "normal" people who have issues or depression or worry or PTSD, or stress issues start to do certain things like overeat, have nervous problems, start drinking, let their houses go or their bodies go, or their work suffers or they skip Drs visits, or they start spending money (retail therapy) or engaging in other ways of coping...Like drowning themselves in drugs, sex, or hoarding...

Or they totally fall apart...

My mother has never changed, everything has always stayed the same with her...

I'm sure she cries and puts on a great theatrical show for people occasionally and she plays pitiful well, but when you look at the bigger picture nothing really affects her to the degree it would affect a normal person.....Or the way it affected her 2 children...
As long as any pain her kids are going thru/went thru at any given moment is/was getting her sympathy and pity OUR pain doesn't and never did, matter.

It simply does not affect her emotionally and it does not bother her.

For example: When I stopped talking to her the first time, she wrote poems about HER pain, not my pain and how sorry she was that she had hurt ME.

Let me make ONE huge thing crystal clear!

I am NOT blaming my mother for the choices I made.
 

 

However just like the drop of water above causes ripples on the surface of the water to expand out to every shore in the pond, so did each and every one of my mothers actions and inactions effect my life and choices.

 

 

And then when one problem's wave intersects with another problem's waves it causes other new problems.

So, each time my mother did something wrong or didn't teach me something or didn't give me a tool or neglected my needs or gaslighted me or didn't protect me or failed to encourage me when I needed it or anything else, it was a drop in the pond that is my life and the ripples that expanded outward from each and every act intersected and slammed into each other --doing more damage--and they reached into the far shores of my life and destroyed any chance of being a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult...

And I am angry!

And so now after therapy and after figuring everything out and realizing that it wasn't me all these years it was my mother. And having to literally raise myself and getting schooled hard by others, and everything I have gone through...and learning that there is a big huge wonderful world out there with lots to see and do and a myriad of careers I could have chosen and fun activities I could have done and great people and nice respectful men that I could have been happy with and things and opportunities that were wasted.........

It's too FUCKING DATGUM late.

I am a profoundly damaged person.

My eggs have dried up and EVERY SINGLE THING I EVER WANTED OUT OF LIFE IS UNAVAILABLE TO ME

I do not relate to other people. I love and accept them and see them as totally NORMAL, and I'm
wistful that I cannot BE them but I have nothing to offer THEM, I feel like I silently stick out like a
sore thumb.
 

 

 

My life was stolen from me before I ever had a chance to live it. Every damn day if I drive somewhere, if I see an A-Typical suburban home and it's got a Big Wheel, toys and several cars in the driveway and chairs on the porch and a deck and a grill in the back, I fall apart a little...

If I drive thru West Chester or Ardmore or past Raymond's house or anywhere else I have a history It sets me into a deep depression for weeks. Just driving to Ardmore to take my bin of old mail to the NBC10 Great Shredder Event and passing certain sites and the old house sent my mood into a tailspin.... So much promise and what if's in so many places sometimes it is unbearable to drive down the road...

If I had had all the tools I needed what would my life be like today?
If I had had a different Mother what would my life be like today?
If I had been protected from my rapist and bullies what would my life be like today?
If I had been gently and lovingly taught about things what would my life be like today?
If I had been allowed to be who I really was instead of being told I was bad and fucked up all my
life what would my life be like today?
If I had been encouraged and built up instead of torn down and held back what would my life be
like today?
What if, what if, what if!

For 44 years I've had to be my own Mother, Father, Best Friend, Dr, Shrink, Pharmacist, Lover,
Protector, Cook, Laundry Washer, Calmer, Dietician, Teacher...my own everything.

What this has done over the years has caused me to develop exhaustion, panic and anxiety
disorders, stress related disorders, food related problems, headaches, assorted neuroses etc
etc...

My body and mind are spent and exhausted having to do it all the past 44 years.
I have spent the last 44 years trying to find love and protect myself, and do it all myself. And
rather than enjoying my life like normal women my age, I'm just too exhausted....
Its been a struggle for soooooo many many years.
Now that my eyes are open and I see what actually occurred to me, everything from towns and
places of my history and things that I went thru, and that I did, comes into focus and it's as if I
was in prison for 44 years for a crime I did not commit and was just let out and am told to "Go
live your life, you are free!" and there really isnt anything left to live.

I can try to make a difference in my community and volunteer and go to college or school and
get a degree of some sort etc, but anything NORMAL that everyone else HAS and is entitled to
as a citizen of this earth is lost to me forever...
I will NEVER be NORMAL
And that is the hallmark of being an ACON
An Adult Child Of a Narcissist!
They NEVER FEEL NORMAL!
I always feel like an outcast.

Most of my problems and everything I've been thru could have been solved by proper
parenting.
I wasn't bad, violent, stupid, brain damaged, irresponsible or handicapped!
I was a pretty normal person. I was just being raised abnormally by an abnormal Mother
I was a freespirited, intelligent, creative person with lots of talents
Oh how fierce I would have been.....
If only....
-----*----