Dysfunction Junction
Dysfunction Junction
My Mother went to college to be a School Teacher. After graduation and on summer break she worked for a politician as his secretary (the first married man she dated) and she also worked at my fathers WW2 buddy's restaurant as the Hostess. My fathers WW2 buddy had married my Dads sister and moved her to the Philly Main Line where they became high society people. Pillars of the entire Philly Metro Area. My Mother met my Father at my Uncle's restaurant when he came up from Kentucky to visit. From what I've gathered she never asked him much about himself as their dates consisted of him taking her to the mall or out to eat and if she mentioned she liked a particular pair of shoes or lipstick, he'd buy her that style of shoe or brand of lipstick in ALL the colors available. She got knocked up and when they eloped, he was
still married to his first wife (with whom he had a daughter). She said he seemed to be good with children. I don’t really recall her saying much else about him, aside from her constant barrage of insults and calling him names to me, my sister, her family and coworkers for the past 34 years. I have figured out that she did not know him that well before they got married. It might have even been a one night stand. Again she was all about living in fantasy, getting out of the row home in Chester, Pa, and shopping...Not having a real marriage and life. I don't recall them sharing a bedroom, kissing, hugging or even being nice to each other. not even once in the short 10 years they were married. There was violence regularly. No bruises, broken bones or punching, but still scary. A lot of grabbing, pushing around, against walls, a few smacks. Threats.
I think, looking back I have had PTSD since I was 3 yrs old, and the domestic violence was where all my anxiety and concentration issues began.
They shouldnt have ever decided to have ME, after they had my sister. They should have gone their separate ways.
----*----
2 MONTHS!
2 MONTHS is the amount of time I spent with my Fathers family and my half sister Janet at his
house after he died.
And 2 months is the amount of time it took to hear all the stories I needed to, to realize just who
my Father was.
*
Facts About My Father
(All of which my Mother claimed not to know after I told her)
1) My Father fell in his Grandparents barn and hit his head causing a blood clot and brain damage
significant enough to cause the FAA to deny him his civilian Pilots License, after he was a
successful pilot in WW2.
2) He became depressed and an alcoholic after that. Before that my Father was a snappy dresser, had gone to college, and had been gainfully employed at my Grandaddy's Ford Dealership as the Manager.
3) His older brother Kevin was jealous of the fact that my Father was my Grandfathers namesake and favorite and Kevin set out to never let him forget it.
4) Kevin repeatedly got my Father drunk and stole money from him. LOTS of money. $20,000.00 here, $50,000.00 there.
5) Kevin controlled everything in my Father's life. And in mine after I inherited 1/2 my Father's estate. It was so bad at times with Kevin and I, that I believed Kevin was gonna put a hit out on me.
6) All of this caused my Father to be depressed and his self esteem to plummet and slowly he became more and more eccentric. I understand him a lot.
7) My Father's family was Kentucky Upper Class and they loathed my Mother. They did NOT like the way my Mother raised her two children and tried repeatedly to talk to my Father to get him to convince her to steer us in the right direction all of which I understand she dismissed and he eventually stopped bothering.
8) Aside from the alcoholism and violence, I am my Father's carbon copy. It is probably another reason my Mother doesn't like me.
LISTEN CAREFULLY HERE
NONE of the above, excuses my Father's physically pushing my Mother around. BUT where she is responsible is getting knocked up by a married man who she did not know. And ONLY "dating" married men her entire life. She continuously subjected her children to being scared in their home and the residual emotional problems that came from that. 85% of those emotional and mental issues manifested themselves in me. 3 of the wives of my moms lovers, came to our apartment to confront her and threaten her. She attracted this to her kids!
It does go without saying that if you marry a man you hardly got to know and he has brain damage and depression that effects his thinking and you have children with him and he becomes violent in the marriage then it is up to YOU, the non brain damaged person in the marriage, to grow up and get your children into a safer environment.
I mean for fucks sakes! You could be around my Dad and know there was something a little off Why date him in the first place? He patched his clothes with duct tape and saved tin foil and Saran Wrap. Hed have 3-4 pairs of glasses on his head and multiple watches.
----*----
My Father pushed my mother around, FACT.
The sight of the altercations and the tension in the house was frightening to witness for 2 small
children.
A Mothers first priority should be her childrens wellbeing and happiness.
Instead, when you ask my Mother why she chose to stay in an abusive household and not, say,
move in with her Mother for a few months while she got on her feet and got her own
apartment...She says quite willingly...
"I didnt want you growing up around THOSE PEOPLE!"
When pushed to explain who "THOSE PEOPLE" are, she angrily states...
"The people in CHESTER, PA"
So I suppose living near black people is worse to my mom than having her children subjected to
fear in their own home and the subsequent psychological damage.
Great priorities "MOM"!! and racist to boot!!
What I am going to set up here is how my mom set up her kids to get PTSD, Mental and Emotional problems and lifetimes of other issues THEN blamed my responses to those issues on ME.
IE The Identified Patient
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Children living in homes where domestic violence takes place are under greater stress, much like
the adults around them. Unfortunately, childhood stress is often overlooked or mistaken for
other common illnesses such as an attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, behavior disorder
and anxiety. This often leads to misdiagnosis and mistreatment.
Younger children do not understand what is happening and will blame themselves. Believing
they did something to cause the fight, they may feel nervous, confused, shameful and attempt
to "be good" to end the fighting. Often their reactions will look like anxiety or hyperactivity as a
result. They may resort to bed-wetting, thumb-sucking and baby talk. They may also have
nightmares or separation anxiety. Their symptoms may come out in physical complaints such as
headaches or "tummy" aches.
Also, children raised in violent homes tend to be socially withdrawn. If the child is anxious and
worried about what is going on at home, they cannot take the time to make and keep friends.
Peer interaction is critical for forming social skills and building attachments. As a teenager, ten
years later, the adolescent may be even more socially awkward than normal because he or she
did not learn the skills it takes to socialize.
(http://www.charleston.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123172324)
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So not only was I a tomboy "troublemaker" I also wet the bed, was misdiagnosed as being
Hyperactive and I was scared to death to make friends and bring them home cause I was
ashamed and scared of what might happen at home....
HHHhhmmm!
And all because my Mother refused to look at HER actions as a parent.
Again, I was The Identified Patient!
God forbid my Mother should EVER take responsibility for damaging her own children by her own inactions. Knowing what I know now about my Mother she probably never even entertained the idea that my problems were being caused by HER...
In fact she bought and read the self help book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People"
Says it all doesnt it?
Mother? You werent good, you were shitty!
----*----
Soooooo....
Here you have a anxiety ridden child wetting her bed every night, having nightmares, and she cant concentrate in school cause shes worried about whats happening at home and the MOTHER doesnt even entertain the fact that its being caused by whats going on with her and her husband?
My mother went to college as a school teacher. She had to take Child Psychology courses to graduate and become a teacher, which she did. She supposedly knew all about why, how, and what kids did. Except when it came to her own kids....
Its very surprising that she could not identify the cause of her own childs problems and correct it and save the child from having to go thru years of prophylactic measures, when it wasnt the childs fault at all. Kinda like blaming the child for getting lung cancer and having a lung transplant because his parents smoked like chimneys, right?
Interesting that she didnt go back to teaching, isnt it?
To make matters worse when "it" happened me and my sister would go run and hide under her bed and then my mother would scream, "DRU!!!!! call the COPS"....I guess I was "responsible" for one thing, huh "MOM"?
Interesting that after the divorce and when we moved away, the bedwetting and hyperactivity and nightmares stopped...
HHHHMMMMM!
----*----
Surprisingly Im going to stand up for my Father here, since my Mother has talked so badly about
him over the past 30+ years!..
My Mother poisoned me and my sisters minds against our father. Parental Alienation. No my father was not a Superdad or Mr Wonderful or anything... But he actually was a better parent then my Mother. Every Child Psychologist agrees that you are NEVER supposed to speak badly about your childrens Father to THEM. If their father is bad, they need to come to that conclusion on their own. After all children share half their DNA and Genes with their father, so speaking badly about him is like hating half your child.
My mother poisoned my mind against my father and when I look back he was actually a far superior parent than she ever was.
My Father was a feminist.
My Father wanted me to do well in life.
He wanted us to go to college
He expected Manners and decorum
He told me to throw rocks at the neighborhood kids who were beating me up and went up to
one of them and told him he'd kill them if they ever laid a hand on me again. I was 16 and in spite of my mom never wanting me to tell my Dad anything, I told him in the apartment parking lot when he drove me home, and it never happened after that. Why couldn't my "Mom" do that?
He gave me excellent advice (Get into computers, always use protection, always use your
headlights in snow and rain, go to college)
He wanted Dana to try alternative therapies for her diabetes, my mother made fun of him and
he gave up. In 2010 a few of these things are coming to the fore in the diabetes world.
He understood teenagers and rebellion. He told me that if I was gonna drink or smoke pot, he wanted ME to do it at his house, so I wouldn't get in trouble.
He never beat me up over past transgressions. He realized that kids will be kids and rebellion
and experimentation was part of the growing up process.
He treated me like an adult
And worst of all (for me) he WANTED to spend time with me and talk to me. But my moms poisoning made me push him away...I regret that DEEPLY.
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