Chapter 9 - Your Relationship/Marriage/Family Life

 

 

Chapter 9 - Your Relationship/Marriage/Family Life

Now that we've talked about your Future Family, Your Current Family, YOU, Sex, Kids and Your Mate, let's talk about the Relationship itself.

I've already demonstrated, in previous chapters, how first being your own best friend, being happy alone, having interests makes you interesting, working out all your goals before having children, figuring out who you are sexually, dating a person who truly LOVES you, who lets you be an individual within the relationship, who never puts you down and wants you BOTH to GROW as both individual people and as a couple, who doesn’t make you do all the work, who doesn’t force you to become his Mommy and how if YOU fake who you are, and HE fakes who he is, it's a FAKE relationship and will always fail!

Got all that? Found the Great Guy? Great!

Now let's talk about Marriage (Regular and Common Law)
If you picked up this book because you have a bad home life NOW and you don’t feel you have support and guidance from your parents or family and/or you come from a broken home or one parent was missing or never present to begin with, you may not have a very high opinion of MARRIAGE. And you may decide MARRIAGE is not right for you. That’s OKAY, that’s totally up to YOU! I told you IT'S NO ONES LIFE BUT YOURS! No one should EVER pressure you into anything YOU are not ready for or opposed to!

However if you intend to live with your future mate without a ceremony, you should put just as much weight and heavy thought into that decision as you would if it WAS a marriage. First whether you move in and cohabitate or get married in a church, the ONLY thing that makes it last and go the distance is COMMITMENT! Commitment is not "Moving in to share expenses" Or "Because I got pregnant" NO NO NO! It isn’t even, "He seems like a nice guy and he says he loves me, so we are gonna get married"! NO! Commitment is a VOW you take or a pact you make to each other to be together no matter what, BEFORE you move in, get pregnant or have money problems. Don’t take it lightly. You shouldn’t get married OR Cohabitate to save money, because you are pregnant, cause you’ve always wanted to have a big wedding with a dress and lots of bridesmaids etc. And you definitely shouldn’t get married or move in together "Cause he seems like a nice guy and cause he says he loves you"
DO YOU LOVE HIM? Is the question!

The WRONG Reasons to get Married/Live Together:

• To save money on rent
• Cause I’m always at his apartment anyway.
• Cause I’m pregnant.
• Cause he says he loves me.
• Cause I’m lonely and it will be nice to have someone.
• Cause I lied to reel him in, now hes all mine.
• Cause I need someone to take care of me.
• Cause I need someone to take care of.
• Cause I’m not gonna get anyone better.
• Cause I can't find anyone else.
• Cause all my friends have someone.
• Cause I’ve gotta get out of my moms house!

The RIGHT Reasons to get Married/Live Together:

• Cause I know he loves me and I love him.
• Cause we have been dating for years and I trust him, and weve survived several “storms”
together.
• Cause we agree on the fundamentals of life and raising children.
• Cause we have the same morals and goals
• Cause we are compatible.
• Cause we have similar temperaments in ambition and temper.
• Cause we have complimentary temperaments sexually and power wise
• Cause we are both mature people who are settled and ready for adult responsibilities.

Big Marriages vs. Big Weddings
Oprah Winfrey once said, “Couples need to start planning BIG marriages rather than BIG weddings!”
It is 100% true.
When girls are little they dream of that huge romantic elaborate Barbie Wedding. 20 foot train, hundreds of guests, Dom Perignon Champagne, huge intricate cake, hundreds of flowers and crystal vases, best DJ in town, Hawaiian Honeymoon...
So when they find the guy and he puts a ring on it, they don't think of life AFTER the wedding...They just want that BIG HUGE EXPENSIVE WEDDING!
They plan it their whole life, starting with Barbie and Ken...
I think they sometimes want the wedding more then the marriage.
YES! It is a special memorable day. BUT too many young couples over do it on the spending and planning and don't even enjoy the process. Not everything has to be perfect. Not everything has to be expensive and tons of drama....
A wedding is about the joining of two people in love. It is not about showing off or proving something to his ex girlfriend...

On average, US couples spend $25,631 for their wedding. However, the majority of couples spend between $19,223 and $32,039. This does not include cost for a honeymoon. Understanding wedding cost now can help you with your wedding budget later.
(source: http://www.costofwedding.com/ )
Yes that says $25,631.00 !!!

Now that you know that, let's look at this...

Buying your first home.
 

 

This is a typical Starter Home...
It is a perfect home for a couple just starting out...
4 bedrooms 2 baths single home with yard large enough for a pool and deck out back for a BBQ.
This house has electric heat & central a/c – fabulous! You won't worry about gas leaks or oil deliveries. YAY! and Central A/C means freedom from plug in window a/c's...

Imagine putting an above ground Intex pool in in that yard and a treehouse and rope swing, and throwing your Lab a stick...

Imagine BBQs and pool parties and making love on that deck under the stars!

It is all yours but you need a $23,000.00 down payment
 

 

When you buy a home, you need

• A down payment (the more you pay up front, the smaller your monthly mortgage payment)
• Title insurance
• Pest & radon inspection
• Home inspector
• Homeowners insurance
• Taxes
• Asst other costs

Let's say you want that Starter Home above, what cash will you need in hand to seal the deal and make it yours?

Let's see on the next page....

In order to purchase your first home to start your married life and start a family you need $38,889.97 CASH in hand!!!!!!!
Kinda puts that expensive garish wedding in perspective, right?
Might wanna start scaling back.
Nowwwwwwwww, you could forgo the down payment and mortgage the entire amount, BUT you still will pay $15,000.00, SEE:

Let's move on to after you buy the house....

So lets say you save up the $35K and buy the above house and close the deal and move in...
What are you gonna be paying every month?

• Mortgage $1433.14
• Electric/Heat $200.00
• Cable/internet $100.00
• Car Payments $800-$1000
• Health Insurance $ 400-$1000
• Car Insurance $100.00
• Cell $100
• Phone $40.00

On average that is $3523.14 a month
I'm not including day care, food, gasoline, cause those differ in cost from place to place and I'm not including trash, sewer and water bills in this since I'm not sure if Malvern, Pa has those as separate costs or if they are in taxes.

Note: most mortgage companies escrow from taxes and insurance out of your mortgage so those
are part of your monthly mortgage payment so you do not have to worry about those expenses at
least...

Filling an entire Starter House with IKEA Starter Furniture is about $10,000.00
Less if you start out with used furniture from friends and Goodwill.
Now let's say the basement leaks and you wanna waterproof it cause the moldy smell is bothering your 2 yr old's asthma...
A typical basement waterproofing costs $5000-$10,000.
Let's say your upstairs tub starts leaking into your living room $500.00
Getting the house painted is $2000 if done by CollegePro or $5000 by pro painters.
If your hubby loves yard work you are in luck that will be $700 for the riding mower and $50 bucks
for the weed wacker edger...
If he hates yard work it's $25-$75 a week from Late April to October 1st in the Philly Suburbs to get a
lawn service to cut and edge your lawn.
An optional 4 times monthly gutter cleaning service is $400.00
A new replacement fridge is $1000.00
Washer/Dryer? $1200.00
Microwave? $100.00
Stove/Oven $500

Let's nickle and dime it here
Salt for the sidewalk and driveway in these Pa winters $40.00
All Year Holiday Decorations (including tree) ? $1000.00
18 foot Intex Pool & floaties? $400.00
Deck furniture $1000.00
Awning for deck to protect your son Michael's special skin condition? $1200.00
Big Wheel (all kids need one) $50.00
Tire Swing for the tree $50.00
Tree House from a kit $2000
Generator (in case power goes out) $400.00

and finally

The BBQ Grill $200.00

Nevermind a new computer, clothing for the kids and you, TVs, Security system, entertainment, a WiiU, exercise equipment and more...

These are all things typical married couples and young families want to try and get.
So you will need to research and research and research some more on BOTH cost saving and budget WEDDINGS annnnd Houses and house accessories etc.

Let's talk about actually SEALING the deal and buying that house.
When I bought my first house I had to physically go to a Realtor and ask for listings. Nowadays you have an advantage and can search Realtor.com or Zillow.com for listings in your price range and attributes... This makes it easier cause you wont get strong armed by a pushy salesperson and you can peruse listings at your leisure...
When you find a house you want, and you have a down payment saved in the bank. The next step is getting preapproved for a mortgage in your price range at your bank or CU. This means that you go to your bank or CU and tell them that you are about to start looking for houses and your price range is so and so dollars and you want to get preapproved for your price range...This helps considerably in speeding up the process cause all you need to do then is to find a house and then contact the Realtor and set up a prepurchase home inspection.
After the prepurchase home inspection is complete, then it gets tricky and you have to be strong and tough...negotiations are always tough. And you will have to negotiate.
My first house had no problems at all so I ended up paying the entire asking price.
But the house I have now had a leaky basement, water was leaking into to the circuit breaker box and the gutters needed replacing.. So I made an offer that was $16,000.00 LESS than the asking price so I could pay for those things immediately after purchase AND for the fact that the house was full of old appliances and wasn't updated at all. HOWEVER, that then made the former owners then tell ME that they would THEN NOT pay closing costs, which sometimes the sellers do.
So I ended up paying the closing costs but still got my $16,000.00 discount. So weigh your options with your Realtor and husband. If a home has been on the market for a long time sometimes you can bluff them out by saying you wont buy it if you have to pay closing costs and full price. So good luck.

Let's talk about after you move in....
After you move in, you might need repairs once in awhile...Try to schedule all repairs as soon as they happen or right before you sense something is about to go wrong. The reason is that, if you wait till the last minute you wont get the best deal cause you will take the first repairman that comes to the house and often times they ramp up the price cause they sense you are desperate.
Get 3 estimates, and choose the lowest one.
And ALWAYS ALWAYS educate yourself prior to calling a repairman. Repairmen typically give you a
fair price if they know you aren't stupid and know things. Google the problem and read several sites so you can bluff the lingo to the serviceman...

Buying a car
I only have a small bit of advice when buying a car.
Buy a car that will last you a long time, and is what you need to get you around, hold all your stuff, tote your kids and their stuff around, will hold the dogs too, and a car that you can easily transport 2 baby seats and a full load of groceries and some stuff from Home Depot.
If you live in a snowy area get a 4 wheel drive (not an all wheel drive!)...Otherwise a mini van will be perfect.
You want reliable, not a showpiece (NO ONE CARES about your showpiece, status symbol but you)
Do not buy a used car from a Dealership or a used car lot. Those cars are always JUNK!
Buy from a private dealer, newspaper, or Craigslist. If your hubby or you know nothing about cars and mechanics, before you show up to look at the car ask the seller if you can take the car to Firestone for their Used Car Inspection Deal. Firestone will let you know if it's crap or not and then you can close the deal.
DO NOT BRING CASH to the SALE!
Bring another person with you for safety. Get the car inspected, then go get the cash. Sign the title THEN give them the cash.
Good Luck! 

Setting Up Housekeeping

Honestly?
You only need 1 link in order to start a house and keep it happily, carefree and properly managed.
Just do the FLYLADY HOUSE KEEPING PLAN
FLYLADY HOUSE KEEPING PLAN (100% FREE)

Always negotiate....but do it wisely
Now in a relationship/marriage you will also have to negotiate and compromise. ON EVERYTHING!
You've read the other chapters so you know what I'm talking about here. If you got yourself a great guy and you have been standing up for yourself and everything else I've written in this book, you should NOT be afraid to both voice your opinion within the marriage/relationship nor let him take the lead at times...
You will need to negotiate and compromise about everything within your relationship...
From where you will vacation to where your burial plots will be. Just like I stated before you do not want a pushover in a mate and you also do not want to BE a pushover...Especially in a serious relationship or marriage, you know why? Because if you just let him do everything he wants and you keep on capitulating (surrendering) on everything then ….

LOOK, let's say you wanna get some artwork for your walls in the living room, and you want this
painting that accents the sofa and rug

But he wants this

And you HATE IT, but you don't want an argument that day and so you give in and so that painting sits over your mantel staring you in the face every.fucking.damn.day for years! You hate it!
It makes your left eye develop a twitch to look at it. When you walk by it, you give it the finger, and you no longer will fuck your husband in the living room anymore. You wanna call the SPCA and get those damn dogs picked up by animal control!
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
One day during an argument you bring up the picture and it starts a huge fight. He leaves and goes to his buddy's house, and it takes a week for him to speak to you. 

Moral of this story is:
Save all big decisions for when you are well rested and not rushed. 

Marriage is WORK
You have to make the time to be together thru busy schedules and screaming kids. You have to think of another person before yourself, find fun in the mundane (like chores and changing diapers), say a lot in silence, think of creative ways to keep the sex alive and hot. Forgive often.
Hug and kiss before you leave to go to work. Surprise each other in fun ways.
Have you done enough work on yourself and your marriage to weather big storms?
Then you are a Willow Family.
Or was all you wanted the big wedding? Don't get married then.

Be a Willow Family
The strength of the family relies on how flexible the couple is when high winds come in and blow on the tree and how deep the roots are in the ground.
The Willow bends but does not break, they rarely blow over because their roots are deep and hold it down.
This is why you each have to work on yourself before you get together and be compatible and your love and caring (aka roots) must be strong to hold you down and stop your branches (kids) from breaking...
Think of this analogy often as you build your family.

Your FAMILY Goals/Bucket list
You need personal goals of things you want for yourself out of life. But you also need FAMILY goals and Couple Goals
These goal lists should be updated frequently as you and your spouse and your family accomplishes each thing on it.
You need goals both as a family and as a couple to give you activities and things to accomplish together and bond you.
A Sample list of COUPLE Goals are:

1) Take a walk around the neighborhood together every night after dinner
2) Paint the Living Room together
3) Save up the money to buy a new home
4) Do the 2 month Vegan Challenge together
5) Attend the strong marriage retreat at church or the Therapists.

You should also have a FAMILY Goal List as well (put these all on your bulletin board to remind you
ALL)
For an example:

1) Play board games as a family at least 2 times a month
2) Eat dinner at the table every night
3) Take a walk around the neighborhood as a family every night after dinner
4) Hold a family meeting once a month.
5) Join the YMCA and get fit together

These should be updated often as you accomplish things together as a couple and as a family.
You should have a list of goals your entire life. It means you want to do better and improve your marriage and home.

You should also have a Pre Children and Family Bucket List. 

This is a list of things you want to accomplish and see and do before you have kids and after you have kids as a Family
A Sample Pre Kid Bucket List:

1) Learn the Kama Sutra
2) Join the Mile High Club
3) Go Bungy Jumping Together
4) Go to Japan Together and stay at a sex hotel
5) Go to a nude beach

A Sample FAMILY Bucket List:

1) Visit all 50 States
2) Save Up money, suspend our jobs & rent an RV and go cross country for a year
3) Go on a family game show on Nickelodeon
4) Dress up in matching Jammies and Take a pic each Xmas morning
5) Do all the scariest Roller Coasters in the country

Fill it with everything you can think of. Then work on doing them as a couple and together as a family.
It will fill your family life up with excitement and fun.....and bond you together and make excellent
memories.

Your Family Motto
What is your Family Motto? In order to establish a sense of purpose or togetherness, make a Family Motto. A Family Motto can be something like “TOGETHERNESS RULES!” Put it on a plaque, recite it often...

Family Game Night
You need to do an activity together, away from the Tv, iPhones, Computers and Video Games.
Establish a Family Game Night, once a week and stick to it. It will get you talking as a family and bond you. Forbid phones in the game room.

Family Traditions & Holidays
Do you go to the 4th of July parade in your town every year?
Do you go watch Fireworks that night?
Do you have set Holiday Traditions or foods?
Do you drive around on the day before Christmas Eve looking at Christmas lights, drinking Hot Chocolate?
Do you have special door decorations and lawn ornaments for each holiday?
Establish those ASAP, your kids need them to feel a sense of love, and family togetherness.

Date Night
Every couple with kids needs a Date Night where you can drop the kids at the sitters and go be adults. Don't forget this, ever. You need to refresh and renew your romance often. You need to dress in nice clothes, put on make-up and perfume and go out and stay in a hotel and have free sexy fun together.
Don't forget this ever.

Snow Day Fun
Stop watching The View and go out and make Snow Angels and a Snow Man with your kids!!! 

Laundry Can Wait
Spend time with your kids, the laundry can wait. Your kids can't,..

Take the Kids to the park once a week.
Take the kids out to the park at least once a week. Get out in nature. Lie in the grass and count clouds and collect autumn leaves. Toss a ball around. Blow grass whistles, blow on Dandelion tops, Skip rocks across the river, go fishing, swing on swings, eat ice cream on the way home. 

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH!

Don't just have the sign in your house, do it!

Vacations
Go on a big family vacation each year. Plan it all year, get the kids involved and drive in the car and
stop at truck stops to pee and get soda. You might be exhausted when you get back but your kids will love you so much!

Parties
Make sure your kids have at least 3 birthday parties growing up. Adults grow out of them and just have office parties or small affairs. Have a few cocktail parties or dinner parties or host the yearly Superbowl party. Start a neighborhood party once a year to bring your neighbors together. Its all about bonding and community,

Genealogy
Do your family tree, find out who you are related to, grow those roots deeper

Family Pets
THINK before you buy a pet for the family.
Are you not home a lot? Maybe a cat is right for your family and not a dog?
Do you not have the patience to exercise a high energy dog like a German Shorthair Pointer?
Perhaps a low energy Bassett Hound is in order?
Do you not have the time to take the dog to the groomers every 2 weeks or a month?
Say no to long haired dogs.
Your kids might think English Bulldogs are CUTE, but not when they require $5000 in surgery when they start aging. I know, I have two!
Start small, get a fish, if the kid wont take care of it, then don't upgrade to a Guinea Pig.
Make them PROVE they can care for a pet. Otherwise YOU will be the one doing all the work.

Be the family YOU want and never had...
This is the END GOAL after Elementary School, High School, College and Dating...
Family is EVERYTHING!
So make those careful choices early on so you can have the real and happy family you deserve! 

To Recap:

1. Have a smaller wedding that you can afford so you can LIVE after the wedding instead of
OWING $$$$$$
2. Bond with your family with activities, goals, and a family motto
3. Learn to compromise and negotiate in your marriage and family