Chapter 8 - Your Pregnancy, Kids and Motherhood

 

 Chapter 8 - Your Pregnancy, Kids and Motherhood (As if the first book wasn't the bible of what not to do you your kids, I'm giving you more advice, lol)

When you were a little girl, you probably carried around a plastic Doll baby. She was hollow. She
did nothing, she drank a toy bottle and wet her paper diaper. She didn’t cry when you doinked her
head off the wall running down the stairs, and several times you left her at Grandma's and 3 weeks
later she was fine when you got her back. The novelty of the feeding and peeing wore off and
you lost her plastic bottle – the diaper refills are long gone too. When you got a Wii you forgot
about the dolly and she slid off the side of your bed and got lost underneath. And the Wii was
forgotten after you got a car and a boyfriend...
When I was a little girl I wanted to buy a big house with 4 wings and I wanted to find 4 men, one of
each race, black, Asian, Hispanic and plain old white, and have a set of (boy-girl) twins with each
man, and LIVE "happily ever after!" This of course was before I knew what goes into having twins,
let alone a boy and a girl! I just loved color I guess! It was a pure thought, not a kinky one!
 

Years later, when I found out I was pregnant with my son the only thing I envisioned about
Motherhood was being dressed kinda like the above picture, sitting up on a brick wall, with my
arms wrapped around my blonde haired son kissing the top of his head on a crisp October morning
as we waited for his school bus. It's funny what we envision things as huh?

I thought once I had the kid everything would come naturally. I read that damn "What To Expect
When You Are Expecting" book religiously. I wanted to breastfeed. I had names and plans for the 4
kids I was going to have. How I was going to dress them and the things we were gonna do and the
kinda cool mom I wanted to be.
I wanted to be THAT cool mom, where all the neighborhood kids gathered and ate and watched
TV and played, the kind of mom whose house was always messy but happy... I wanted to teach my son about cultures and exotic food, go traveling, teach him to be an activist etc etc etc 

I went to all my OB/GYN appointments, stopped drinking both caffeinated coffee and smoking
cigarettes, took my prenatals, stopped double processing my hair, got a lot of rest. My boyfriend
at the time was looking so forward to having a baby -- he was so enthusiastic about all the stuff he
was gonna do with our child! I was lucky I didn’t have money issues to worry about and I had a nice
house at the time...

Everything seemed perfect! (except my childhood and my boyfriend was really an asshole!)
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant...After a lifetime of dieting and eating disorders, I
immediately went to McDonald’s and bought 2 Big Macs, a Supersized Fries, and a Supersized
Vanilla Shake. I then met my then Boyfriend at his buddy's music studio session and sat and ate
EVERYTHING! And I never stopped eating until 7-1/2 years after my son was born. I ate so much
that I went from 145 to 270 and then AFTER I gave birth kept gaining! I even bought stock in Ben
and Jerry's cause I ate a pint every night of my pregnancy! After all I was now eating for 2!
The thing was, that NO ONE WAS TELLING ME NOT TO! No one was telling me A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!
Well, I am going to tell you THIS...

Look I am no expert on Motherhood or pregnancy. 

I recommend you buy all the “What To Expect” books, they are the Bible of Motherhood and
Pregnancy.

However, these are my tips after my pregnancy and being a mom.

Remember This One Thing:

Just because you met that perfect guy and did everything right during your pregnancy and your childs first year, your child might be born with a horrible birth defect or illness or autism. Can you handle that?

Don't Eat Everything You Want.

If you are a naturally thin or skinny girl before getting pregnant you probably will not have issues,
BUT
If you are a chubby girl, or a girl with a soft rounded belly or a normal healthy weight and you let
yourself go hog wild and eat and eat and eat during pregnancy and gain a huge amount of weight
YOUR STOMACH SKIN WILL STRETCH OUT AND IT WILL NEVER EVER GO BACK TO NORMAL! In fact it will probably end up looking like one of those fanny packs tourists wear, turned to the front! Like this scarf window valance but not as pretty and elegant!

It will NEVER shrink back! You cannot diet it or exercise it away! And if you already have stretch
marks from dieting, they will get wider and pink or purple! Stretchmarks NEVER go away, they just
fade! You will tell yourself "Ohhh I'll get a tummy tuck after I have all my kids!" But years later you
might not have the money to do so...Nothing worse than years after having a few kids and dieting
religiously and exercising and finding yourself single again and then meeting a hot guy and having
a hanging pouch of a belly to fizzle the sizzle!

So DO NOT OVEREAT DURING PREGNANCY. Ask your OB/GYN for a good nutritional plan...

Here are some more things you need to know...

 1/ The number 1 thing you need to know before ever getting pregnant is...

DO NOT GET PREGNANT IF

(A) YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS:
If you don't have any friends before you get pregnant, you will be even more isolated and alone after having a baby. If you are reading this book cause you have a bad family life, then you will need to create a family for you and your child/children out of friends. You need friends to share things with and do things with your kids together. Trust me, holidays are hell with no family or friends even if you have an S.O. and In Laws, you need your own people, not only for you and for personal support and camaraderie but for your children to have other kids to have a history with that enriches life and “long term friends” to talk to and share stories with and meet up at parades and vacation with...
(B) IF YOU ARE NOT A WHOLE PERSON YOURSELF:
Refer to the YOU Chapter.
If you aren't a whole person, you will rely on your kids to fulfill you, and they aren't here to fulfill you.
(C) TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE OR TO LOVE YOU:
If you are purposely getting pregnant with ANOTHER HUMAN BEING (a living breathing, thinking autonomous creature) to ensure you have someone to LOVE you, then guess what? You are creating a living slave of your own emotions. Children are REAL BEINGS! They aren't here as BAND-AIDS to make US feel better or FIX our problems or to use as props or even worse, to fulfill OUR failed dreams of fame...
(D) TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE OR BOYFRIEND:
This NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WORKS!
Getting pregnant to snag or keep your Boyfriend or save your marriage actually does the complete opposite...It makes the guy hate and resent YOU BOTH, then you are BOTH alone and without a husband/boyfriend and Father. You wouldn't want it done to YOU, so don't do it to HIM.
FYI – The leading cause of DEATH for pregnant women in the USA, is HOMICIDE by the baby's father. So tricking a guy to keep him with a baby can be dangerous.
(E) IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY, FEARFUL, AND/OR A WORRYWART:

• If you aren't happy BEFORE the baby you will be even less so after the baby comes.
• If you are depressed and unhappy around your child all.the.time you will be far more likely to abuse, yell at and resent the child...
• If you are depressed and unhappy around your child all.the.time your kids wont enjoy anything they do with you.
• If you are depressed and unhappy around your child all.the.time they will think you are unhappy with them...
• If you are depressed and unhappy around your child all.the.time then they will also feel unhappy.

My mother was always unhappy, sad, and depressed and unjoyful and was never a
fun relaxed person in our lives. She did not know how to have fun. She was a fearful,
harpy... I grew up not knowing how to have fun or play. My mother
harped on me for every little thing, She was scared to drive on the highway, scared
of travel, scared of me wearing Hoop earrings, scared of snow, blah blah blah.
I was born a light airy, joyful freespirit, full of love and curiosity and no fear. Looking
back I can fully say that by the age of 10 (or earlier) I was already infected by her
unhappiness and fear of life.
For Example: My mother was scared of driving on the highway and driving in snow.
So I was fearful too and was too scared to go to Fashion School in Philly 20 miles
away, because I'd have to drive in the snow in the wintertime. So I opted not to go to
college or do anything meaningful with my life. I in return have passed this on to my son and once I realized it I have been doing everything in my power to reverse it. All children deserve happy, smiling, present parents in their lives... Sad, Stressful, Fearful parents, sabotage their own kids...Work out YOUR issues before having kids. BREAK THE CYCLE!
(F) IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN A LOT OF LIVING OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM:
If you have always wanted to go to Japan or dreamt of seeing the Eiffel Tower or
If you still haven't gone to NYC for a week with friends or a boyfriend, then spontaneously decided to drive down the coast to Miami..
If you are a budding activist and wanna go off and join GreenPeace and fight Asian Dolphin Killers.
If you wanna sleep all day and work at night.
If you want to take a gap year and go on mission work.
You will resent the kids if you don't get certain things out of your system.

2/ For allll the above, you need to be on reliable birth control for awhile until you can do those
things and work on yourself...
Did you know? Women have 19 different birth control methods available to them. (from
Chapter 5)

1. Condoms for the penis
2. Inter vaginal female condoms
3. The Pill
4. Today Sponge
5. Spermicidal Foam
6. Diaphragm
7. IUD
8. Contraceptive Patch
9. Nuva Ring
10. Plan B or other Emergency Contraceptive Pills
11. Contraceptive Shots
12. Long Lasting Under Skin Implants
13. Rhythm Method
14. Natural Yam Creams
15. Getting your “Tubes Tied”
16. Abstinence
17. Cervical Cap
18. Spermicidal sheet

Find, Procure and use one or more... Google, Amazon and Planned Parenthood are your friends 

About using and demanding Birth Control:
DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A SLUT, A WHORE OR BAD ABOUT YOURSELF FOR BEING A MATURE INDIVIDUAL AND WANTING TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST DISEASES, DEATH OR BEING A MOTHER TOO SOON!
FURTHERMORE A GUY WHO THINKS THOSE THINGS AND/OR SAYS BAD THINGS TO YOU
ABOUT THAT IS NOT WORTHY OF GETTING IN YOUR PANTS. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR
BODY, HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR HEALTH AND HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU!
Hold yourself higher then that and “Just Say No”!

Also, and I want you to remember this and think about it often...

THIS TIME OF YOUR LIFE, WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG IS SO SHORT. THINGS THAT HAPPEN
NOW, ALTHOUGH THEY MAY SEEM LIKE THEY ARE SO UPSETTING AND EVERYTHING IS
THE END OF THE WORLD. IT IS NOT. IT IS BUT A FLEETING SPECK OF TIME IN YOUR LIFE.
SO IF YOU GIVE IN AND LET THAT GUY YOU REALLY LIKE AND THINK IS CUTE TALK YOU
INTO HAVING SEX WITHOUT PROTECTION AND HE GIVES YOU A DISEASE OR GETS YOU
PREGNANT....GUESS WHAT? YOUR FUN, FREEDOM AND ADVENTURE IS NOW OVER!

3/ Recognize that just because you want kids, doesn't mean you should have them
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents and are selfish, and having kids is forever. DO NOT have them if you don't like messes, kids things, or like to have a lot of your own time. They will be damaged. 

4/ Recognize that KIDS are their own people, with their own thoughts, opinions, ideas, goals and
dreams.
You do not OWN your children! They are not there for YOUR entertainment. They are not there for you to USE as employees. They are not BAND-AIDS for your personal issues! The ONLY reason you should be getting pregnant and having children is because you and your S.O. are in love and want to expand that love and want to bring a child into this world to watch them BLOSSOM and see what they turn into.
Your job as a parent is to guide your kids into WHAT THEY WANT TO BE AND TRULY ARE.
And to protect them from dying along the way.

Just because YOU are a Girly Girl does not mean you will give birth to one.

For example:

When I was a little girl I was adorable. I had long blonde hair and a cute face and I was
perfectly proportioned...
Perfect for a 1970's Sears Catalog Model!
But I was a curious child, who liked making mudpies, taking things apart to see how they
worked and electronics and gadgets. Science was my favorite subject. I was a tomboy...
My Mother was an Ultra Feminine Narcissist who never wanted to have boy children or deal
with messes, dirt, sports or anything related to boys.
My mother just wanted to have girls that she could play house with and dress up and shop
with and go to lunches with.
Basically live dolls!
She certainly didn't see us as individuals with opinions and ideas of our own.
My sister played along and became my Mothers girly-girl Princess Toy Doll.
BUT since I was prettier than my sister and had long blonde hair and long legs and pretty
hands, my Mother kept trying to cram me into a Girly Girl mold...
“You should be a hand model!”
“Why don't you take piano?”
“Why don’t you become a cosmetologist?”
At school I excelled at woodshop, creating some really nice wood pieces. I LOVED taking
apart engines. I don't have any of my pieces. They all disappeared somehow.
HHHHMMMM!
I was forbidden from doing sports since "Sports are for boys" (as were showers) and
besides "you could get your hair pulled out or your earrings ripped out, if you played" my
Mother would say...
I talked my mom into letting me join gymnastics, and like most kids with low self esteem I
wanted to quit after the first day. And instead of insisting I keep at it and buck up, she was
none the happier to let me quit.
So I languished...
Years later I wanted to apply to get a construction worker job in Exton, Pa at Laborers
Training, as I loved getting sweaty and wanted to build things...
My mother told me to make sure I wore a nice dress and look nice when I went to apply.
So I wore a nice dress and made sure my hair looked nice and put my make up on and they
treated me like D.A. Jim Trotter III treated Mona Lisa Vito when she first took the stand to
be an Automotive Expert on My Cousin Vinny...
Smiled at me and humored me.
I should have worn Jeans, a tshirt and no make up.
Needless to say they didn’t even give me an application...
Whether she just was clueless or truly meant to sabotage my chances I do not know.
Basically I was constantly being steered away from things that would fulfill me as a human
being and steered towards things that would fulfill my mothers fantasies...
I tried to play the part of the girly girl and was miserable...
20 Years later I found out there was Little League, Space Camp etc...

So I was stunted in my development, and left unfulfilled.
Your kids are NOT YOU, they are THEM. Listen to who they show you they are and help
them achieve THEIR dreams even if its different from your dream. 

5/ You sometimes don't get what you want...REMEMBER THIS!
You might be in love with your S.O., have good jobs, have a home and have gotten a lot of living out of your systems and be fully ready for a child, and you stop the birth control and get pregnant and do everything right...Then when your child is born he/she has an incurable disease or autism!
Most GOOD, Happy marriages do not survive a child being born with special needs. So if your relationship is so-so or not that good right now, having a kid with special needs will kill it.
So do prenatal testing and decide your options.
ALSO, You might stop the birth control and NOT be able to have a child of your own.
Could you love an adopted child? Do you have money saved for IUI or IVF? 

6/ Shit gets real!
Before the birth you might THINK you can handle having a baby and all that comes with it. You might have an idea of what it's gonna be like. "The sleep deprivation can't be that bad!" You say... You might be IN LOVE with the IDEA of having that baby!
BUT THEN...
The baby comes and you are not happy and when you look at your child after those 9 months of him being inside your body and you feel NOTHING.
THAT IS A RED FLAG!
It can signify Post Partum Depression or worse.

Children who don't BOND with their parents end up having issues later on. Serious issues
that you or OUR SOCIETY DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH!
This is VERY VERY SERIOUS!
Get parenting classes or a therapist...ASAP! Taking parenting classes or asking for help does not mean you are weak or bad, it means you are a good person who wants better for yourself and your child.
I repeat, Taking parenting classes or asking for help does not mean you are weak or bad, it means you are a good person who wants better for yourself and your child, especially if you don't have a good parenting role model or parent yourself. 

7/ Consider Adoption
If the baby comes and you are NOT happy and you are not in love with your child and you do not feel that bliss that other mothers say they feel with their newborns, and you are starting to feel resentments towards your child (such as blaming the child cause you aren't having fun anymore or can't go out etc), consider adoption...It is far more loving to give up a child for adoption then to keep it and not be 100% present and to damage that child and create another damaged human to send out into society to possibly inflict damage on more people.

8/ LISTEN CAREFULLY! PARENTING IS HARD FUCKING WORK!
Your kids sometimes hate your guts, you screw up at times, parenting is not just Xmas morning and Ballet recitals and cheering at Football games. It's walking the hall with a feverish boy, driving them to all their activities, it's teaching them boundaries and painfully hard times when you are trying to teach them right from wrong and have to discipline them. It's making hard decisions and still having them hate you. It's
sometimes having to let them go to see if they can do it themselves. It's raising a kid who is less than popular and needs moral support. It's not for everyone. So don't have kids if you cant accept those challenges. 

9/ Do you even like kids and kids stuff?
If you don't wanna play with your kids on the floor with Legos, Barbies or Matchbox Cars or you don't like messes or crafts DO NOT HAVE KIDS! Don't fill up a house with wall to wall white carpeting and expensive glass sculptures and antiques and then have 4 boys...
Don't dress your kids up in expensive Bonpoint and Armani for Kids and then take them to the Township Park zoo or Dorney Park and expect them to stay pristine and unsullied... Kids NEED to explore, get dirty, make messes, have tactile experiences. They need to jump off the edge of the couch onto their beanbags, slide down bannisters, ride dirtbikes, make mudpies, get skinned knees, break bones, be daredevils etc.
Kids are why IKEA and Garanimals were invented.

There is a term in Real Estate called “The Starter Home”
 

 

A Starter Home is a cheap house that a couple buys when they go to start their family. It is small and cheap and it's okay to mess it up and no one cares. Then when the kids are older you move into the INVESTMENT HOME, with the in ground pool w/built in patio and other amenities. Then you fill it up with quality more expensive furniture. That's why young couples buy IKEA furniture, it is STARTER FURNITURE, for their STARTER HOMES for their STARTER LIVES.
So buy STARTER STUFF when the kids are young, let them be kids and have fun. Then when they are more mature and able to control themselves and have calmed down, buy INVESTMENT THINGS!

Think about it!
Whose house do YOU like spending time at?
Friend A's Home who has a FUN mom, who has Kool-Aid in the fridge, muddy shoes by the door, a trampoline in the backyard, lots of toys all over, who is helping her older child build a working Volcano on the Dining Room table and who takes you all to the Dairy Queen?
Or
Friend B's Home Whose house is dust free, with vegan organic granola bars in the snack drawer, who makes you remove your shoes and put them in a box by the front door, a small recroom in the finished basement where an Xbox is hooked up and can only be used after chores and homework is completed. Whose bicycle must be hosed off after use and hung in the rack in the garage....

Don’t be the family whose home YOU wouldn’t spend time at...
Children who get those fun crazy messy fearless adventures as children get it all out as kids and they are maturer adults.

10/ Everything you do or don't do with your kids NOW (when they are young) DOES IN FACT impact them as adults and in turn impacts YOU...

Here is a list...

• Put your kids FIRST in these situations

• When they are sick, hurt, ill
• When they are upset
• If they are performing in a dance recital at school

• Never neglect your marriage for the sake of your child(ren)
Lock your bedroom door at night and instruct them to knock if they need something and only if the house is on fire or the toilets overflowing or someone is projectile vomiting. Send them to your BFFs house for the weekend so you and your hubby can be in your house alone and naked. Have
his folks take them for a week or two in summer and go on a cruise or up to Great Wolf Lodge. You are not only parents, you are lovers. Treat yourselves.
• You are not your child's slave
On the weekends and summer break, encourage them to make their own lunches and breakfasts and do their own laundry. It teaches independence
• Do not buy them everything they want
If you give a child everything, without doing anything for it, they will expect it and be ungrateful brats who will value nothing. My sister got EVERYTHING she wanted, Had EVERYTHING done for her. She never had to struggle or work for or put any effort into her life. She was a spoiled entitled BRAT! Therefore, just as I was telling you in previous chapters about GUYS VALUING
THEIR CARS CAUSE THEY WORKED HARD TO BUY THEM. My sister didn't value her life cause she didn't put any work into it. So she didn't fight to save her health or eyesight when her diabetes got bad, she simply gave up and killed herself Teach your kids to work hard and value things so they can VALUE themselves.
• Ground your kids
Kids need discipline and consequences. Their ACTIONS need a REACTION and
a FINISH.
Meaning when your kid does an ACTION that's wrong, you REACT with grounding him, and after the grounding is over, it's FINISHED. You don't keep throwing what he/she did in their face forever. You know why? Because it's never ending punishment and wrong. He's done the crime and did the
time. THE END.MOVE ON!
• Reward your kids
A child needs praise and rewards for things he/she does right or good. It makes them feel good and encourages them to do more good things.
• Give your kids allowances for chores and start a bank account of their own.
This is so important. It develops WORK ETHIC and teaches them to budget their money so they are not clueless when they are older.
• From a very early age (no matter if they are handicapped or not) MAKE THEM DO
CHORES AND HELP AROUND THE HOUSE.
This is really hard to do if you are depressed and tired and just want to get shit over with while you clean the house BUT it is ESSENTIAL! You MUST involve babies in “helping” even if its just putting their own toys away at first. Then it can be helping load the dishwasher and then washing the car and mowing the lawn... See where this is going? Start small and go to bigger more mature chores as they get older.
WHY? Cause if you DON'T DO it they will get older and be lazy and if you fall ill later on they wont know what the fuck to do while you are laid up in the hospital and you will have more stress when you come home to a filthy house and the bills haven't been paid.
If you don't know how to clean the house correctly, get on the FLYLADY housecleaning plan and get the kids involved. (http://www.flylady.net)
• Do things often as a family UNIT
Go out into the yard and rake and bag leaves together, rent an RV and go cross country, put on matching tshirts and go to the Zoo or on adventure vacations together. It builds the bond between you all!
• Do not play favorites
When you have more than one child you might like one more than the other or get along with one more than the other. This is actually perfectly NORMAL. However, what isn't NORMAL or healthy, is playing favorites and treating one child better than the other.
You MUST treat them both the same. You might do different things with each of them (especially if they are different ages) but always treat them mainly the same. Otherwise the one you treat poorly or neglect will end up writing a HUGE book about you and/or HATING YOU! Or they might blame themselves and end up hating themselves.
• Broken bones aren't gonna kill a kid, let them explore and climb trees.
When a kid falls out of a tree and breaks her arm or breaks a leg in Football, the parents over react. Bones heal, pain goes away. Very very rarely does any adult regret having the fun or breaking the leg they did as a child. Remember this.
• Do not allow kids to have electronics until they have gotten dirty outside and have
an established social circle
When I was younger I thought parents who didn't allow their kids to have TV or video games or computers were crazy, prudish idiots! But now when I have a kid who spends a lot of time on his computer, watching Tv, and playing video games, and could care less about building a snowman with me, going tubing at the Ski Resort, or spending time reading books or going outside. Its troubling. The things I used to love about being a kid don't seem to appeal to him. Technology and Tv can be a black hole and can make a kid inactive and sedentary and gain weight get diabetes and be less social. Restrict it until they are older. You will regret it immensely if you don't.
• Let your kids make their own mistakes.
Let them make mistakes! Do not be a helicopter Mom and do everything for them. Let them try things, climb trees, get dirty. If you do everything for them and are a helicopter mom they will never leave your house cause they wont be able to do things for themselves cause you've done it all for them.
• KIDS NEED SPORTS and activities!
Kids need INTERESTS to make them INTERESTING too, just like YOU do. But they also need them to learn life lessons like team work, sportsmanship, discipline, and coordination. Enroll them in Ballet, YMCA, T Ball, Soccer. EVERYTHING! They are called Enrichment activities cause they enrich our lives, and help make friends and teach lessons. They also give them something to talk to their little friends about at school. I don't care if you hate sports, your kids need sports. Find the closest Tball league or BounceU or YMCA and go with him or her and RIDE the treadmill while hes in a YMCA class and make some friends for yourself. YOU BOTH NEED IT. Especially if you are a single mom.
• Be Patient
Don't rush children. Let them play naturally. Always rushing all the time doesn't let them relax and enjoy life. If you aren't patient with them they will be impatient with life (and YOU) and get angry if things don't happen fast enough, then you are dealing with an angry child.
• Be Open
Don't lie to children, but be honest if they ask you things about your childhood or adult activities. Tell them in simple terms for their age group.
• Do Not Force Your Children To Hide Things From You.
If you are constantly getting angry with your child over every little thing, they will shut off communication with you and will start hiding everything from you for fear of being punished or yelled at. If they do something bad, calmly tell them you are disappointed with them but you are glad they are okay and you love them. Then ground them.
• If your child(ren) are being bullied or worse, BE A LION, not a lamb.
If your child that you birthed and raised comes to you and tells you he or she is being bullied or beat up or tells you they were sexually assaulted do not ignore it! Call the cops the school and a lawyer. And prosecute the perp and get your child some therapy to help them deal with the feelings and damage. If you don't protect them and/or show them you love them and are there to protect them and be their soft safe place to fall, I hope they leave you when you are older and you are all alone cause that's what you will be doing to them...leaving them all alone in pain...and they need help.
Grow up, be a parent and fight for them.
• Give your kids responsibilities
Instead of telling your child(ren) they are stupid or not responsible or cant do anything right, how about you give them RESPONSIBILITIES so they actually LEARN to be responsible! Teaching them responsible choices starts with giving them small chores at first and rewarding them when they complete them. Then assigning bigger chores and rewarding.

Giving them choices such as:
“What HEALTHY snack would you like, an apple? Veggies and dip? Or a granola bar?”

Later on as they get older you can ask them to walk to a store with a list... Giving them curfews and set bed times to adhere to and then a small lecture or rescinding a treat/reward if they don't comply will usually make them adhere to the rules better. Teach them manners, buy them a watch and teach them to tell time then tell them to be home by a certain time before dinner and if they aren't back in
that time take away the reward.
• YOU teach your SONS how to treat their future wives!
If you don't teach your sons to cook, clean, do their own laundry and set boundaries such as “No sports until you finish the dishes” and you let them walk all over you. THEY will expect to be waited on by their wives as well.
• Start healthy eating habits from jump
Clean up YOUR eating habits and get on an exercise routine BEFORE you even meet your kid's father! If you have bad eating habits and don't exercise you will accept that in a man, then once you get married and have kids and be diagnosed with prediabetes its gonna be 400% more difficult to clean up the diets of 4 people and get healthy!

DO NOT GIVE KIDS SODA OR JUICE!!! These two things are the top causes of diabetes in the USA. Make soda a big treat that they get during special times. Water and Milk should be the only 2 beverages kids get.
LOVE YOUR SELF!
LOVE YOUR MATE!
LOVE YOUR KIDS BY NOT USING FOOD AS LOVE!

• Believe your kids FIRST. Until you get to the truth.
If the teacher calls and tells you, your child did such and such bad thing. Do not automatically believe the teacher (or any other person) until you talk to your child FIRST!. This can be tricky. You want to believe your kids teachers are honest and know what is happening in their classroom, BUT you also don't want to punish your kid if the teacher is an over zealous nut. Some teachers (just like parents) play favorites and can target specific kids in their classrooms and this leads to your kid getting targeted and blamed falsely. If the teacher wasn't present during the incident then your child MIGHT be getting targeted or blamed by mean kids.
On the OTHER hand teachers are underpaid overworked and spend on average $2000 of their own money on their students and don't need to be TARGETED by asshole parents who think their kids shit don't stink!! Which is why YOU need to get into that classroom, get involved with your kids schooling and make friends with the teacher so you can discern the truth. I did this, mostly I got along with my sons teachers and I trusted them on things so when they called me about something, I would ALSO ground my son at home when he came home.
• Dont ½ love your kids
If you find yourself pregnant and and single and you don't like the father anymore and you decide you will keep the baby. Keep it cause you 100% will love it. Don't keep it if you will only HALF love it. Give it up for adoption,
• NEVER EVER EVER do any of the following things

1. Talk bad about their Father in front of them even if you are divorced and he treated you like shit.
2. Tell them they are BAD, TROUBLEMAKERS, STUPID or any other bad horrible names YOU don't wanna be called yourself!
3. Stand them up
4. Ignore them for a new boyfriend.
5. Bring a new boyfriend around them until you've known him for a year and hes proven himself worthy.

 

 * Teach kindness, compassion and mercy

Don't instill racism, homophobia, bigotry into your kids. Teach them to respect animals and other peoples belongings. Teach them how to be patient 

To Recap:

1. Figure out if you really want kids or not.
2. Fix yourself before you have kids
3. Teach them, love them, protect them, advocate for them. So they will do all that for
themselves.