Chapter 7 - Your Mate

 

Chapter 7 – Your Future Mate

 

Choose One:

1) Loneliness

2) Loneliness

So you are lonely? You are desperate to find a guy to be with. So you meet a guy and you get along and the sex is good (no earthquakes tho) and you move in with him and you get pregnant and then 3 yrs later he's never home. He's always out with buddies or something else and you are again all alone and LONELY.  When he comes home after you have got the baby settled and cleaned up and got a shower and are watching Netflix, HE then wants sex, and it's usually a quicky and you end up feeling like a hole.

You traded one form of loneliness for another form.  This was my life. My man love bombed me, got in my house, then reverted to a 5 yr old, still wanting to play with toys and have someone to clean up after him and make all his meals. 

Now I'm NOT saying that that man isn't capable of having a good marriage, just not with you. 

HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU! He leaves you at home with you all's baby and goes out and has fun all night like a 5 yr old on summer break from First Grade. JUST LIKE HE DID WITH HIS MOM.

You want a man who wants to do things with YOU, not away from you. 

The two best relationships I've ever seen online are Brian and Jon from Outloud and Steve and Steph from Resale Killers. They love to be together, they are 100% honest with each other, they never divide things into Yours or Mine, its Ours and We. They challenge each other and are always playing games.

Find someone like them....

Talking To Guys

 The best advice I ever got about talking to guys is:
“Just talk about ANYTHING..just talk”
But I'll add this GET SOME INTERESTS AND HOBBIES FIRST!
So you have that “ANYTHING” to talk about.

TRUSTWORTHY GUYS:

1) Do they show you they care about you?
Do they act concerned if you are out sick a few days? They care....

2) Are you 100% comfortable around them?
If you feel very comfortable and can joke around with a person it means your intuition is
right about that person and they are sending good vibes to you. When you are with them is
your body language tense or calm? If its tense, your body letting you know something is
wrong, 

3) Do they talk bad of others or their ex girlfriends?
If hes constantly talking trash about everyone at school including the seemingly good
students, and trashing ex girlfriends it means hes gonna talk trash on you and hes probably
insecure and has issues.

4) Are they honest?
Lying is a bad sign. Whether they lie to you, about you, or about themselves. Trust is based
on honesty

5) Does he keep promises?
Does he constantly let you down, stand you up even after multiple promises? Say ENOUGH!

6) Is he constantly jealous of others?
Jealousy shows as TRASH TALK. If hes constantly talking trash about everyone at school
including the seemingly good students, it means hes gonna talk trash on you and hes
probably insecure and has issues.

7) Is he a hypocrite?
Like does he tell others that they shouldnt drink and drive yet he does it every weekend
after parties? HE IS A HYPOCRITE!!!!! Fuck that shit, you dont need it.

8) Does he do what he says?
If he tells you he will walk you home from school does he? If hes consistent and does what
he says hes a good trusty guy.

9) Does he apologize to people?
If he consistently CAN NOT apologize it means he is being dishonest about his fault or
culpability in the problem...They dont want to admit they did anything wrong! MAJOR RED
FLAG!

10)Does he put trust in you? Meaning does he tell you his secrets?
If someone is INVESTING in you EMOTIONALLY by trusting you with their secrets it means
they TRUST you. Do not let them down.

11) Does he show loyalty to you? Or stand up for you?
Again this shows they have an emotional investment. If someone takes your side against
say a school yard bully, it means they care about you enough to protect you.

12) When he stops somewhere on the way to your house does he pick up something for
you as well?
It means they care and are thinking of you and have an emotional investment in you. You
are worth something to them. They wont wanna lose you.

13) Are all their stories consistent or do they lie and make up stories that don't match?
My ex sister in law used to tell me she had bought this white leather Native American
wedding dress for when she and her BF got married. Then she told me at other times she
didn't order it yet or sometimes it was in Virginia...Why lie about it? I could care less what
kinda dress she had and if she had it yet or not. It wasn't my wedding. I just didn't care,
sorry! The problem there is that if shes lying about small insignificant things she'd lie about
MUCH BIGGER THINGS TOO....Therefore she is not trustworthy and cannot be a good
friend to ME....She also lied on her resume, and she'd steal Advil from my medicine
cabinet.... BYE BYE BARBARA!

14) Does he respect your home and belongings?
If you tell them you don't want a party at your house when your parents are gone for the
weekend do they RESPECT that or do they send out eVites and smuggle in kegs?
UNTRUSTWORTHY AND AN ASSHOLE TO BOOT! Fuck him!
Does he return your stuff if they borrow them? If they lose your things do they LIE about it?
If so FUCK HIM! YOU DON'T NEED HIM...
If you tell him not to drive so fast does he slow down?
Does he steal from you or not pay back money?

15) Does he accept you just the way you are or does he try and change you?
If he tells you to change your hair, stop hanging with your friends or not go to that faraway
college and stay in your small town with him...Hes a controlling insecure jerk
RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

16) Does he throw things and get angry a lot?
RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! This is the worst kind of guy cause you will be in fear
all the time and he might hurt you or your kids later on.

What kinda guys do you like?
If all you can come up with NOW, is Cute, Nice Car, Strong ... That's great for a Prom or Spring
Break date but for a serious boyfriend??
Think again...

When I was in my late teens/very early 20s I liked guys who worked on cars and four wheeled and
had monster trucks and drank beer. Because my Mother never taught me anything. I STILL
thought those things were cool for a guy when I got older.

Soooo, When my boyfriend moved in with me at age 23 he loved video games, golf, car racing,
sports, and he was always talking about how he was handy around the house, cause he used to
build houses on a construction crew..

But, once he moved in, he was NEVER around! Here I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of our
baby, trying to think of adult fun we could do, and trying to talk endlessly with him about starting
a home based business so we could get out of debt, but nothing would ever mesh.

At age 21, he was STILL a boy and just wanted to play with his toys all the time. He hardly worked
and every weekend he was out "playing" with his buddies... Golf, Video Games, Go Carts,
Amusement Parks, R/C Cars, Car Models etc. On weekdays he'd head on down to the local Bicycle
store or Hobby Shop to be their "House Know It All"... On weekday nights He would tell me that
he was "just gonna be 15 minutes" in the basement or garage, but he always ended up being down
there for 4 or more hours. 

Eventually the Romantic love and lust I once had for him disappeared when he started treating me
like his Mommy. He loved NASCAR but was afraid to drive and lied to me about wanting to get his license, so I had to drive him everywhere.

"Can I go play golf with Richie?"...
"Can I go to the mall? The new PlayStation game is out!" he would ask with a whiny little kids
voice. He'd actually pout and sulk when I said no.

You lose romantic feelings for a man who becomes a child in front of you.
If you choose and date and marry or live with a man who acts and behaves like a child, you will
always become his mother. You want a Man who will treat you special and like a Woman and
Human Being, not a “thing”...and if a man is still playing with toys all.the.motherfucking.time he is
still an immature child. You need a strong man who puts you first and treats you special.

Jack Nicholson in this movie, treats CHER like a sexual woman. Hes telling her he sees her as a sexual woman and knows shes lost in the monotony of housework and Motherhood and thats why she cries and gives into him even tho hes a chubby old man. He makes her feel SEEN.

 Dear Men

Women need to have time to dream and reset, if they are constantly being treated like mommies and never given alone me time, you will not have sex or blow jobs. She will die inside.

Treating you like a woman involves:
Taking over the chores regularly so you can indulge yourself in a hobby
Being an adult and doing HIS own chores without nagging so you don't feel like a maid.
Not leaving you home all weekend with laundry and the kids while he goes golfing
And if he does go golfing he also wants you to go away on an alternate weekend with the girls.
Surprising you with your favorite food after a long day at work, so you don't have to cook.
Encourages you to fulfill yourself in a career and then brags about his HOT SMART GF/Wife
Remembers important dates and does special things.
Is mature emotionally
Calls you to see if you need anything on his way home.
Doesn't trick you into thinking he can't do the laundry correctly.
Is truly interested in how your day went and if it was bad, wants to please you and make you feel
better.
Doesn't sit down after you both work hard all day, he helps out without you nagging.

HOWEVER!
You DO NOT want a guy who is a pushover who just does what YOU want all the fucking time!
ANDDDDDDDDD, you especially don't want to be a girl who is a pushover as well.

YOU TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!!!

Meaning if you are dating a guy and you keep letting him walk all over you and treat you like a cash
register (or other rude and bad behavior) and you do not speak up or kick him to the curb, 

YOU ARE SENDING HIM SIGNALS THAT THAT TREATMENT IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU AND HE CAN KEEP DOING IT!

AND if he keeps doing it and you stay with him, YOU will be the one in the future sitting on the
couch watching Bachelor and eating that Pepperridge Farm cake and cooking, cleaning and
watching your kids 95% of the time, while HE is out partying with his buddies not giving a shit if you
are happy or fulfilled as a woman or human being, 

BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU WANT IT THAT WAY!
UNDERSTAND?

YOU, might not want him to treat you that way....
BUT, If your parents haven't shown you love and caring (or taught you love and caring) you might :

1/ Think it’s normal
2/ Think you deserve it
3/ Think it is YOUR fault and stupidly put all your efforts into changing yourself or to be better for
him but its HIM that needs to change, not you. 

Aaannd IF YOU KEEP stupidly putting all your efforts into changing yourself or to be better for him over and over, without HIM doing any work on himself, then YOU will have put all your emotional money into his bank and be heavily invested in him and wont want to give up without getting any “interest” back in your account.
Emotional investments keep you involved like a losing hand at the casino, you keep giving it one
more try to make all your money back.
So stop at 2 table games and walk out of the casino...

YOU need to show YOURSELF love and caring by NOT putting up with shitty behavior...
IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR THE WAY YOU ARE BEING TREATED SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!!!

ANNNNNNNNNND

IF THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T STOP OR DOESN'T TREAT YOU BETTER, BREAK UP!
IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO IT, NO MATTER HOW MANY CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS YOU HAVE OR HOW MUCH NAGGING HAPPENS...

IF HE DOESN'T TREAT YOU WELL OR WALKS ALL OVER YOU WHILE YOU ARE JUST IN THE DATING STAGE AND NOT EVEN SERIOUS YET, DUMP HIS ASS ASAP, HES NEVER GONNA CHANGE!

You Cant Force It
If a guy doesn't like you. Accept it and move on. You will find another. 

Compatibility
In high school and even in college you shouldn't worry too much about being perfectly paired, but
for a committed relationship you should take compatibility seriously

Is it love or is it lust?
If all you two do is talk about and have sex, and during quiet times you have nothing to say. Then
the relationship is just a sexual relationship and not a real one. If its fun, continue, but make sure
you are on birth control so you wont be tied to him forever with a baby. Then move on when it
cools down.

True Compatibility
if you have these things in synch, you are compatible:

• Are you magnetically drawn to each other, meaning, do you have CHEMISTRY?
• Do you have the same goals and values?
• Do you each support each other in good and bad times?
• Can you be yourself (and vice versa) around each other?
• Do other people compliment you as a couple?
• Do you get each others humor and jokes?
• Do you have the same background?
• Are your lives similar, meaning are you both into NEATNESS or EATING HEALTHY?
• Is there no drama between you?
• Do you make each other happy?
• Are your Sexual Temperaments Complimentary?
• Is your non sexual Temperaments Complimentary?
• Are your politics the same?

Love, Respect and Best Friends
People tell you that you have to find a guy who loves and respects you and who is your best
friend...
No one explains what that means...
I am, right now in one short paragraph...

It is the man who, after a great night out, might try to get in your pants, but when you tell him you
are not in the mood, he RESPECTS that and doesn't push you. Furthermore, a man who LOVES you sticks around for 2-3 hours after you say you are not in the mood, and has a great time at just
talking and/or playing cards on the couch watching TV. That's a FRIEND!

Marry THAT man.

A man who is a keeper usually stops hanging out with his buddies a lot and starts spending all his
time with you. Wants to do everything with you. Showers you with gifts. Brings you around his
family and friends. Cares about YOUR FEELINGS.

Men, Jobs, Cars and Responsibilities
A visual:
Look at what guys CHERISH most of all...?
Their VEHICLES!
They get very upset when something happens to their car or truck.
You know why? Guys put LOTS of work into their vehicles!
They work very hard and save up a lot of money to buy it, they spend time fixing it up, they spend
lots of money buying new parts and do dads for it and they wash it and wax it every weekend.
Guys NEED to work for something!
They need to be taught to respect something.
Sure YOU are not a car, but it is an excellent analogy...
So you need to make them work for the PRIVILEGE of being with you!

Girls are 100% more complex than guys!
What WE bring to the table is A LOT, and we are 10 bags of chips and a Vanilla Coke on top of
THAT!
We look fabulous
We smell fabulous
We feel fabulous in bed
We give birth
We make a home fabulous
We are (usually) great mothers
We are loose ends tiers and organizers
We throw great parties

WE ARE THE WHOLE PACKAGE!

Recognize this! Build yourself up, Educate yourself, Take care of YOURSELF and make yourself the
woman who is THE BOMB and throw the lower class guys to the lower class girls and go for the
Brass Ring and get a guy that is your equal or above you and make HIM WORK TO BE WITH YOU!

Stop choosing LOSERS:
LOSERS ARE:

• A man who has no job or isn't actively looking for employment
• A man who lives in his Mom's basement when the economy isn't bad
• A man who lives in his Mom's basement and doesn't help her with chores or money.
• A man who lives in the suburbs and doesn't have a car.
• A man whose friends are all pot smoking losers
• A man who tips servers poorly
• A man who is in a gang
• A man who wears his pants gangsta style past 25 yrs old.
• A man whose Mom drives him to work
• A man who whines about everything
• A man who has his buddy over EVERY NIGHT to hang out with you as a couple.
• A man who throws things or punches holes in walls.
• A man who is always dreaming about greatness but makes excuse after excuse.
• A man who plays video games every day for hours
• A man who expects sex after being gone all day out with his buddies while you were stuck
• with the kids and rolls in at 12:30 am when you are half asleep.
• A man who refers to “bitches as hoes” (G)
• A man who soups up his car with the Tasmanian Devil, Neon Accessories, Loud Mufflers,
• Giant Woofers or a Programmable Horn is a MAJOR LOSER.
• A man who wears white tank tops to the store.
• A man who has a tail.
• Justin Bieber

Don't marry your father
Its just a fact of life, men fall for women like their moms and women fall for men like their dads.
It is a way to resolve the issues with the parent...Or something.
Look, some fathers might be great role models and great people. BUT other dads aren't and if
your father is a weirdo loser who has no job or is abusive to you or your Mom, YOU need to take
special care that you do not fall for a man just like him.
Cause you will still be with a loser or weirdo and you will be repeating the same shit your Mom
went thru and you need to break that cycle!

Problems beget more problems:
You might think that since you have some issues in your life that a guy who also has issues might
be more understanding or that you guys might be able to commiserate together, but that's NOT
the way it ends up. What ends up happening is that you end up being 2 babies crying in a playpen
with no adult to hold you and comfort you.
If you've been abused most of your life or neglected, you need a STRONG, MATURE man who can
handle it and make you feel safe and loved and protected when you need to fall apart. 

Strength
Strength does not mean starting fights at bars and winning, or being able to do wheelies down the
highway or lifting a fallen oak tree in the backyard after a foolish bet with his buddies.
STRENGTH, means being able to deal with trying times and being able to bounce back and to be
able to let your mate be vulnerable and collapse in your arms and be supportive even if you are
upset as well.

Chose real masculinity, not Fake Narcissistic Macho nonsense

Vultures
Abused children tend to attract vultures who pick and eat at their bones and emotions leaving a
more hollow person than before they found them.
VULTURES can smell pain and vulnerability from miles away and can zoom in for the kill fast and
hurt you before you even know what happened.
Vultures can be charming and tell you what you want to hear cause they are just trying to get one
thing from you, your soul and body and they will never love you the way you deserve to be loved
or care for you.
Look, being lonely is one of the hardest things you will go thru. Its HORRIBLE. Im not gonna sugar
coat it. But whats worse is being in a relationship with a Vulture who is slowly picking away at your
bones trying to eat you alive.
Vulture Examples Your Potential Mate Gives You:
Before you even start dating watch that man you are interested in from afar.
See how he acts with others. If he hates animals or treats kids roughly, if he treats others poorly, if
he tips servers poorly...

Red Flags:

• If that mans car is always filthy
• If he kicks chairs or throws fits, scares you.
• If hes got poor dental hygiene.
• If hes a Mommys boy.
• If he over drinks and does massive amounts of drugs ALL.THE.TIME
• If he wants to speak babytalk with you ALL.THE.TIME
• If he wants you to buy him things or tries to get your ATM PIN code early on.
• If he never takes responsibility for anything.
• If hes always talking bad about others.
• If hes got weird eating habits, like picking the onion out of Manwich or chews with his mouth open
• If hes secretive about his life
• If he suddenly disappears when you need comfort.
• If he drives very fast and wont stop when you tell him it scares you.
• If he treats you differently in public.
• If he wants to move in with you quickly.
• If hes jealous or possessive of you
• If he hangs around stores chatting, without working there, all day long for days.
• If hes got weird calls coming in..
• if he screams at his family on the phone.
• If he ignores you in public or at parties.
• If he never takes you anywhere, but to the bedroom.
• If he compares you to old girlfriends or other women
• If when you argue, it is never productive or he derails it by throwing in things that have nothing to
• do with the topic.
• If he starts to demand all your time.

Stuff like that...
just say no and don't date him.

No-Nos To Say No-No To

• No I will not date you if you are married (Show me your divorce papers!)
• No I will not lend you money until we are in a committed relationship.
• No I will not date you if you have no job or car
• No You cannot move in with me if you don't have a job or a car.
• No, I will not stay with you if you hit me even once.
• No, I will not stay in this relationship if you abuse or lie to me.
• PERIOD!

A word about Married Men
Some women are attracted to, seek out and date only Married Men.
The psychology behind this is that these women are extremely insecure and they only date unattainable men so they can fool themselves into thinking:

“I must be so special cause hes willing to do something very dangerous and risky as being with me
and risk getting caught”
and/or
They can constantly live in a dream world and not be in a real relationship and the relationship can
constantly be a Fairy Tale and she can dream to herself, that “If he could only leave his wife, we
could live happily ever after!”

Most of all these women secretly believe deep inside that they aren't worth a real relationship.
Or they need constant excitement, drama and risk taking to feel alive. If they are constantly living
on the edge, it never gets old and the man will never know how Empty they really are.

You are not a project
Do not expect a man to fix you and heal everything thats wrong with you. Do not wait around for
that MYTHICAL KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR ON THE HORSE TO ARRIVE, because there is no
such thing! Do not wait to start your life until things are perfect and you have a perfect mate.
Love can heal a lot of hurts, but it cannot fix what you are refusing to acknowledge or change in
yourself! If you have a bad childhood and no family, do not expect your man to fill in all of those family roles you are missing. It might happen, but it might be impossible for one person to fill all holes in your
life. This is why you need to become a WHOLE PERSON while you are SINGLE before you get into a
relationship.
Do not blame him and cuss him out in your head for not being perfect or not doing something,
SPEAK UP! Tell him!
NOTHING IN LIFE OR LOVE IS EVER PERFECT!

3 Useful Definitions
FORGIVE
transitive verb
1
a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult>
b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
2 to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive one's enemies>
RESENTMENT
noun
1 a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or
injury
PERFECTION
noun
1 the state or condition of being perfect
2 the act of making something perfect or better : the act of perfecting something
3 something that cannot be improved : something that is perfect

You aren't PEFRECT
Your mate isn't PERFECT.
Clear up and FORGIVE all RESENTMENTS immediately so you can have a happy relationship.
If you cant..then move on.

Being Best Friends
If you have been sexually abused or don't have any good Male Role Models in your life, it is hard to
see a guy as a FRIEND. I was raped at age 11, and I grew up thinking all guys wanted sex with me
and I could never relax and talk to boys as normal people and thus I really didn't get that in a
relationship you are supposed to be FRIENDS first.
YOU ARE!
When you are growing up, your parents are supposed to talk to you about everything, ask you
about your day, your interests and thoughts...This gets you started in how to conversate with
others...When you don't have a male role model to show an interest in you, you then don't know
how to be friends with a future mate or how they should treat you.
You NEED to be BEST FRIENDS with your boyfriend/hubby!
MOST GUYS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

Timeline
This is the time line of how things should happen

1) Decide whether you can repair your family relationships.
2) If you cannot , then work on yourself thru therapy or group sessions online
3) Get some hobbies and interests so you can be INTERESTING and have things to talk about on dates and places to go and things to do and have things in common.
4) Make sure you have your own friends first before dating.
5) Get on Birth Control, know your STD status.
6) Start playing the field, but don't sleep with these dates until you find someone you truly like.
7) Go steady or commit
8) Get engaged or move in
9) Have 2 years or more as a happy FREE kidless couple to be wild and free and travel
10) Start setting up house in a starter home
11) Have kids

To Recap:
1. Have fun dating!
2. Do not take it too seriously.
3. Get the guy YOU NEED AND WANT
4. Stand up for yourself
5. Don't date Vultures and losers
6. Be mysterious
7. Don't have sex right away
8. Don't act desperate
9. Make him work for you and sex...