Chapter 4 - Your Current Family

 

Chapter 4 - Your Current Family

So tell me, what kind of family do you currently have?
Do you have a Typical Family? 2 Parents and some Siblings?
Do you just have a Mom? Just a Dad? Are you being raised by an Aunt or an elderly Grandma?
Or raised by a friend's Mom you moved in with?
Why did you get this book? Why did it appeal to you?
What did a book called "Things My Mother Never Taught Me: A Girl's Guide To Raising Herself." say
to YOU that made you want to read it?

What is going on in your family that you are dissatisfied with?
If you are 14 and just pissed off cause your Mom wont let you go into the city to party all night with
no supervision, or you are pissy cause you are grounded for a week cause your Mom found out you
were smoking pot, or if your parents don’t like your boyfriend cause he is a loser and you are too
young to see that yet...This book might not be for you. In other words, if your parents truly love
and want the best for you and are just trying to prevent you from doing stupid things to fuck up
your future, you don’t need this book, YOU need to grow up.

BUT, if you are being neglected, ignored, verbally or physically or sexually abused and/or restricted
harshly by your parents (above the norm), Or you just sense that something about your Mom or
home life is not right or you know in your heart that they dont love you, go tell someone at school!
If it's really bad perhaps try to get emancipated in a court of law.

You will now have to raise yourself, this book is for you. If your parents don't care or wont listen to
anything you say THE BEST thing for you to do while you are still living under THEIR roof, is to start
to detach yourself from them. Treat them like 5 year olds you are babysitting. Just let all their
bullshit roll off your back, go in one ear and out the other! You have a few more years remaining so
do what they tell you to do, and go to school and get good grades so you can get a good job or go
to college and move out as soon as possible and leave them behind. But while you are still there WORK ON YOURSELF and detach yourself emotionally from them and start looking at them from an outsiders point of view. You will begin to see them for the sad creatures they are. Maybe even start pitying them.
I know it hurts so bad to not be loved or have a parent that loves you, but that is not the child’s
fault EVER.

I REPEAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT EVER!

Look, PARENTS are just PEOPLE. They have gotten drunk, made mistakes, lied, stolen, smoked pot,
had sex, they belch, poop, pick their boogers and fart. SOMETIMES THEY HAD BAD PARENTS TOO.
Sometimes they have diarrhea. Sometimes they have kids and don’t know what they are doing or
how to raise you. Sometimes they have psychological diseases that make them incapable of being
parents. Some parents are depressed and sad that they didn’t fulfill their dreams prior to getting
pregnant, and they take it out on their kids!

BREAK THE CYCLE!

Children raised in dysfunctional households with dysfunctional parents, grow up to repeat the
dysfunction because they have never been shown what normal looks like. They do not know what
normal feels like! So you need to change that while you are young BEFORE you go out into the
world and have kids of your own and fuck them up as your mom did you.
For Example: My mother sent me to school with colds, fevers, and flus. One day, since I had a
school trip the next day and my mother couldn't drive me that early (or something-don't recall)
she sent me to my teachers house overnight. I had a 102 Fever and a flu and I was literally falling
asleep at my teacher's dinner table. So fast forward to when I had a child, I did the exact same
thing. I would NOT send him to school with fevers for some reason, but I would send him when
he was coughing and had a cold... Here I would tell myself in my head, "Well, Mother sent me to
school with a cold etc and I was fine!"
But I WASNT FINE and neither was my son.
BOTH of us should have been at home on the couch or in bed wrapped in blankets while OUR
mothers babied us and we watched cartoons. But BOTH our mothers were dysfunctional. But I
recognized it and changed it and I work on myself every day as a parent.

See what I'm saying here?

So just because your Mom (or other dysfunctional parental figure in your life) did something in
your upbringing does not mean it was good to do when you parent or live your life.
You need to change EVERYTHING NOW!

The hardest thing you will need to do though is to coach yourself into accepting the concept that
its never the child's fault and it's your parents fault, not yours EVER, and moving on...
The reason why it's so hard to coach yourself into believing this is because your family is supposed
to love you unconditionally, support you always and be your soft place to fall. And when you have
none of those things you feel unlovable and like something is wrong with you. And when you feel
unlovable and like something is wrong with you, you THINK YOU DESERVE BAD TREATMENT OR
BAD THINGS. So you aren’t CONFIDENT and self assured in life.

AAAAAND when that happens you:

1. Are an easy target for abusers
2. Are more desperate to belong to a group and might fall prey to bad groups and gangs
   
3. Get into drugs or drinking to numb out the pain.
4. You expect less then you are worth or deserve in life
5. You dont stand up for yourself.

Lets Look At The Difference Between Dysfunctional And Normal Parents

Normal parents

• No matter how tired or exhausted they are, they always have time for you.
• Stand back while you try new things and don't discourage you.
• Raise you to be humble
• Protect you from harm
• Stand up for you.
• Admit when theyve failed
• Love you no matter what you want to do or be in life.
• Ground you
• Build you up.
• Expect good grades and want you to go to college
• Take you to sports or after school activities (even if they themselves HATE sports!)
• Do everything in their power to keep you away from losers
• Give you boundaries
• LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

Dysfunctional Parents

• Ignore you when you are in need of guidance, love and/or attention
• Put you in danger or use you
• Blame you for things.
• Hit you
• Stand you up
• Lie to you
• Tear you down.
• Say you are lying when confronted on their failures
• Get you hooked on drugs
• Disown you when you come out as gay
• Dont care when you start dating losers
• Put other people or things before you
• Dont care if other people hurt you or bully you. In fact they might blame YOU.

Give Away, Keep, or Recycle

When I was very young I was told how wonderful my mother was, how she was so selfless, so hard
working, how much of a supermom she was. Id hear people tell my mom how shes doing it all,
being a good mom etc... Meanwhile I was in crisis and was feeling unloved, and neglected, but
they all kept saying how great she was So I believed it, and swallowed the little voice telling me
something was wrong. Then I started from an early age hating myself, blaming myself and abusing
myself...
As I grew up and me and my sister became teens with AUTONOMY, the cracks in her parenting
started showing.. She could no longer hide the unbalanced way she was parenting 2 kids, playing
one against the other and treating me like shit and my sister like a Princess. People started
noticing. I then started hearing how my mom was Whifty, Superficial, etc My sister would call her a
Martyr. BUT I was still hearing the “your moms so nice, so caring, your moms doing everything she
can for you 2 kids” comments as well... So my mind wasnt yet able to see the truth. I even was
ANGRY that the people who spoke badly of my mother did so...After all I WAS STILL THINKING I
WAS THE BAD CHILD, I DESERVED ABUSE!
I tried repeatedly to open a dialogue with my mother over my teen and adult years and she never
had the time for me. But I still loved her and wanted her to love me, so Id keep trying to talk to her.
After I moved out and slowly started being unbrainwashed and started getting to know myself
and FINALLY stand up for myself...When my mother hung up on me when we were supposed to go
out and have a family day and then stood me up completely and chose to spend the day with her
married boyfriend...
I said ENOUGH! And told her I didnt wanna talk to her anymore. We did not talk for 4 years
BUT even after all that I decided to give her one more chance. I had been to my first therapist and she helped me realize that my ex was a LOSER who was NOT LOVING ME OR OUR CHILD, and so I started the long process of breaking up with him and after the FIRST break up I let him return, then one year later I broke up with him again and in a moment of weakness I called my Mother...

I was 100% done with my ex..but still thought it was ME when it came to me and my moms
relationship. I tried hard to make our relationship work for 4 years. But still kept having issues with
communication, feeling loved, feeling like I was not a priority etc... I had started the final
unbrainwashing journey and decided to go to a new therapist, I wanted to know if it truly was me
or it was my mom.
It turned out it was my mom all along.
So even though the situation that was the final straw between us was very minor, it was truly
enough. And I decided to go full NO CONTACT....
That means no calls, no holidays, no letters, no emails, no lunch dates, no birthdays
NOTHING!
EVER!

I am 100% DONE!

I then was able to do the rest of my internal work and am now the strong, competent, good
person I was always meant to be, without her toxic voice or influence in my head.
Im not saying its easy. Its one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. Holidays are hard hard hard.
But constantly trying to get someone to love you or accept you when they dont even love or
accept themselves and have an incurable personality disorder and are fake and superficial is
EXHAUSTING and Im not doing it anymore.

So, with all that being said, you have to walk your truth and take your journey and go to therapy
and separate TRUTH from UNTRUTH, REAL from FAKE, RIGHT from WRONG and decide if you
wanna stay in a relationship with your Parent(s) or try to repair it and work on it.

Keep
If your parent is a bad parent cause they are a drug addict or they are a bad parent cause they are
deeply depressed but still obviously love you.. these two things are repairable if you can get them
into treatment. (consult the phone book or internet) but be realistic that treatment doesnt work
for all people.
You must learn to accept that being an addict can be lifelong and you might have to make the
decision one day to restrict them from your life before it affects your life, marriage or kids.
None of this is easy.

Give Away
If your mom is like mine and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder you need to make a decision
while you are young. NPD is incurable. They are not capable of loving you. Accept this in her or go
no contact and move on.
If they are an ABUSIVE Narcissist you can expect GAMES to begin after going no contact. DO NOT
LET THIS SCARE OR DETER YOU.
NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT AT ALL!
My mother sends cards on holidays (I toss them straight in the garbage immediately)
Shows up and rings the doorbell at different times ..I dont answer.
Barged right in my house years ago, no ringing the bell, nothing. I told her to get out!
Told my old mortgage manager all sorts of personal shit about me.
Sent packages meant for HER to my house.
Those are MILD compared to some Narcissistic parents GAMES. Just be firm and if they cross the
line CALL 9-11 and get them arrested. YOU are worth it and you have RIGHTS.
Change your phone number. Move and wipe your info from the internet...
If you have siblings in the home and your moms abusive YOU NEED TO CALL CHILDRENS SERVICES
and get help for you all!
Call your county Bar Association and ask for EMANCIPATION lawyers, go move in with your best
friend., and be declared EMANCIPATED.
Emancipation of minors is a legal mechanism by which a minor is freed from control by his or her
parents or guardians, and the parents or guardians are freed from any and all responsibility toward
the child. In some cases, emancipation can be granted without due court granting when the minor
is bound to make a decision alone in the absence of the parents, who might be dead or have
abandoned the minor. (Wikipedia)

Recycle
If you want to work on your current family unit and try to give it the old college try, see if you can
get everyone into therapy.
Questions to ask.
Do you do any activities with your family?
Do you take a yearly summer vacation?
Do you have BBQs?
Do you have holiday traditions?
Do you go to the movies or amusement parks?
Do you eat dinner at the table at a set time?
If you said no to all of the above, then you need to sit down and discuss why you arent doing
anything together as a family WITH your family!
If you dont do anything together thats a major sign of dysfunction.

Fix it or move on...

Brady Bunch Families Are A Lie
Families you see on TVs are made up in Hollywood. No real families are like that. So stay realistic in
your expectations of your family now and your family later.
Finally if you just cant take it anymore grab a few bags and go to an abused womens shelter...

To Recap:

1. Figure out what kind of family you have and if its dysfunctional
2. If so start to detach from them emotionally and get ready to move on at age 18
3. Figure out if you are gonna Give Away, Keep or Recycle your relationship with them.
4. Go No Contact if need be or get into therapy.