Chapter 21: How And When To Go No Contact

 

 Chapter 21: How And When To Go No Contact 

So you've decided to stop talking to your parents or entire family?

Im repeating this part of Chapter 4 for you here:

Give Away, Keep, or Recycle

When I was very young I was told how wonderful my mother was, how she was so selfless, so hard
working, how much of a supermom she was. I'd hear people tell my mom how she's doing it all,
being a good mom etc... Meanwhile I was in crisis and was feeling unloved, and neglected, but
they all kept saying how great she was so I believed it, and swallowed the little voice telling me
something was wrong. Then I started from an early age hating myself, blaming myself and abusing
myself...

As I grew up and me and my sister became teens with AUTONOMY, the cracks in her parenting
started showing.. She could no longer hide the unbalanced way she was parenting 2 kids, playing
one against the other and treating me like shit and my sister like a Princess. People started
noticing. I then started hearing how my mom was Whifty, Superficial, etc My sister would call her a
Martyr. BUT I was still hearing the “your moms so nice, so caring, your moms doing everything she
can for you 2 kids” comments as well... So my mind wasn't yet able to see the truth. I even was
ANGRY that the people who spoke badly of my mother did so...After all I WAS STILL THINKING I
WAS THE BAD CHILD, I DESERVED ABUSE!

I tried repeatedly to open a dialogue with my mother over my teen and adult years and she never
had the time for me. But I still loved her and wanted her to love me, so I'd keep trying to talk to her.
After I moved out and slowly started being unbrainwashed and started getting to know myself
and FINALLY stand up for myself...When my mother hung up on me when we were supposed to go
out and have a family day and then stood me up completely and chose to spend the day with her
married boyfriend...

I said ENOUGH! And told her I didn't wanna talk to her anymore. We did not talk for 4 years
BUT even after all that I decided to give her one more chance. I had been to my first therapist and she helped me realize that my ex was a LOSER who was NOT LOVING ME OR OUR CHILD, and so I started the long process of breaking up with him and after the FIRST break up I let him return, then one year later I broke up with him again and in a moment of weakness I called my Mother...

I was 100% done with my ex..but still thought it was ME when it came to me and my mom's
relationship. I tried hard to make our relationship work for 4 years. But still kept having issues with
communication, feeling loved, feeling like I was not a priority etc... I had started the final
unbrainwashing journey and decided to go to a new therapist, I wanted to know if it truly was me
or it was my mom.

It turned out it was my mom all along.

So even though the situation that was the final straw between us was very minor, it was truly
enough. And I decided to go full NO CONTACT.... 

That means no calls, no holidays, no letters, no emails, no lunch dates, no birthdays
NOTHING! EVER!

I was 100% DONE!

I then was able to do the rest of my internal work and am now the strong, competent, good
person I was always meant to be, without her toxic voice or influence in my head.
I'm not saying its easy. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Holidays are hard hard hard.
But constantly trying to get someone to love you or accept you when they don't even love or
accept themselves and have an incurable personality disorder and are fake and superficial is
EXHAUSTING and I'm not doing it anymore.

So, with all that being said, you have to walk your truth and take your journey and go to therapy
and separate TRUTH from UNTRUTH, REAL from FAKE, RIGHT from WRONG and decide if you
wanna stay in a relationship with your Parent(s) or try to repair it and work on it.

Keep
If your parent is a bad parent cause they are a drug addict or they are a bad parent cause they are
deeply depressed but still obviously love you.. these two things are repairable if you can get them
into treatment. (consult the phone book or internet) but be realistic that treatment doesn't work
for all people.
You must learn to accept that being an addict can be lifelong and you might have to make the
decision one day to restrict them from your life before it affects your life, marriage or kids.
None of this is easy.

Give Away
If your mom is like mine and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder you need to make a decision
while you are young. NPD is incurable. They are not capable of loving you. Accept this in her or go
no contact and move on.

If they are an ABUSIVE Narcissist you can expect GAMES to begin after going no contact. DO NOT
LET THIS SCARE OR DETER YOU.
NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT AT ALL!
My mother sends cards on holidays (I toss them straight in the garbage immediately)
Shows up and rings the doorbell at different times ..I don't answer.
Barged right in my house years ago, no ringing the bell, nothing. I told her to get out!
Told my old mortgage manager all sorts of personal shit about me.
Sent packages meant for HER to my house.
Those are MILD compared to some Narcissistic parents GAMES. Just be firm and if they cross the
line CALL 9-11 and get them arrested. YOU are worth it and you have RIGHTS.
Change your phone number. Move and wipe your info from the internet...
If you have siblings in the home and your moms abusive YOU NEED TO CALL CHILDRENS SERVICES and get help for you all!
Call your county Bar Association and ask for EMANCIPATION lawyers, go move in with your best
friend., and be declared EMANCIPATED.
Emancipation of minors is a legal mechanism by which a minor is freed from control by his or her
parents or guardians, and the parents or guardians are freed from any and all responsibility toward
the child. In some cases, emancipation can be granted without due court granting when the minor
is bound to make a decision alone in the absence of the parents, who might be dead or have
abandoned the minor. (Wikipedia)

Recycle
If you want to work on your current family unit and try to give it the old college try, see if you can
get everyone into therapy.
Questions to ask.
Do you do any activities with your family?
Do you take a yearly summer vacation?
Do you have BBQs?
Do you have holiday traditions?
Do you go to the movies or amusement parks?
Do you eat dinner at the table at a set time?
If you said no to all of the above, then you need to sit down and discuss why you aren't doing
anything together as a family WITH your family!
If you don't do anything together that's a major sign of dysfunction.

Levels of Estrangement

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Click here to read the definitions of estrangement

Fix it or move on...

Get into therapy - As soon as you decide to go No Contact, get into therapy to rebuild your new life

Guard Your Heart - Do not get into any romantic relationships until you are able to stand up for yourself and not fall victim to abusive partners,

Find A Chosen Family - You will need to find a Family Of Friends to replace the family you cut off.

Go Off The Radar - If your family is very abusive you might need to disappear. Change your name and move and start over. Make sure you get the court to seal the name change records. If your family is dumb and not tech savvy, just use a service like Reputation.com and DeleteMe to hide all your personal info and new address. 

Expect Narc Games - When you go No Contact with family members, they can get angry and start lashing out and playing Narc Games. Some of those games are sending you shit (cards, shit from Amazon/eBay) calling people you are close to, smearing you, showing up places you are, coming to your house etc. This is why some people change their names and disappear.

Here's more

 This Is What No Contact Means: A Printable Letter To Give Your Abusive Parent(s)