Chapter 10 - Those Who Surround You, Friends, Family and Others.

 

Chapter 10 - Those Who Surround You, Friends, Family and Others.

 I can remember sitting in my Elementary School class worrying about my mom at home. I was always worried about her. I was worried my Father would be home and I wouldn't be there to call the cops and “protect” her. Through out my entire Elementary School years I worried about her, fidgeting in my seat, not being able to concentrate on my school work. With my home life the way it was, It made it hard to relax, make friends and be outgoing and happy, add to this the fact that I still wet the bed, was a dork, shy, had no interests but Elton John, and was being told by my mom I was bad and was being bullied by my sister and some neighbor kids...My friendship making skills were ZERO.

It's hard to be outgoing, and the life of the party and happy and relaxed enough to just be yourself and make friends when you are worrying about things at home and it's even worse when you don't know who you are exactly whether you are confused or others are telling you, you are a piece of shit and you are stupidly believing them...
It's even harder when you are raised in an abnormal environment to learn which of those potential friends out there, is a good person who will treat you well and be a good friend and who is a bad person who will lead you down bad paths in life.
When I was younger I did not know that there were several different types of friends out there and thus several different ways you treat and interact with each one and I also didn't know that not everyone will like me, so for years I was open and honest with everyone, and I overshared and was too generous with people and people used me and took advantage of me and got me to do things that got me in trouble.

FOR THE LAST TIME “INTERESTS MAKE YOU INTERESTING”
Find clubs or activities and hobbies you are interested in, so you will have like minded friends who you have things in common with. Then you will always have stuff to talk about, and everything will fall into place. Big help for shy insecure girls like me. Not everyone will like you in life! And that's okay.
Do not take it personally if someone or many people do not like you. All people are different. Everyone on this earth has different requirements and preferences for friendship. The popular football jock is likely to wanna be friends with other sporty people, he's not necessarily gonna be into that math genius who spends all weekend at physics club.... To be honest YOU DON'T LIKE EVERYONE AS WELL. So give yourself a break and stop trying so hard to get everyone to like you. They won't. Most people on this earth have
different types of friends. Not everyone of these people will be besties with you or be a person who you will share everything with or will stick with you thru thick and thin. Not all friends are made alike...

Acquaintances--
Acquaintances are people you may recognize in public or be familiar with because you might have places and friends in common but you most certainly don't know anything about him or her and you might not even know their name...You should never tell these people deep personal secrets about yourself or gossip about others to them or lend them things or money, because there's no trust established.
Fair Weather Friends--
Fair Weather Friends are people you know some info about and you know their names. These are people who will go with you to a party or get high with you, but when the cops come or its time to help clean up the joint, they split. These people may know some things about you personally. Don't lend them any money over $20 or give them things or share DEEP secrets with them, cause they've proven they wont back you up.
Partners In Crime--
These people are dangerous. There will come a time that you meet someone who for the most part is a platonic friend, but who is magnetic and there is electricity between you, who is like a drug to you, and you will concoct huge amounts of schemes and shenanigans with, neither of you will try to stop the other from getting into trouble. It's the most fun you will ever have but when it crashes it's like a train derailment aftermath. Never lend this person money, or tell this person any deep secrets ...You may feel like best friends but you are NOT. RUN FROM THIS SITUATION.
Suck Ups--
These are people who agree with everything you do. Who are your “fans” or are lonely pushovers who are desperate for friends. These people will become fulltime jobs for you cause they need constant reassurance and attention....Level with them or break it off...They are not “friends,” they are using you as a therapist to get their needs met. Do not lend them things or money and do not get too close.
True Blues--
A True Blue friend is a person who is there for you no matter what. A person who will listen to all your stories and tell you when you are full of shit. It's a person who wont sell you out, or spill your secrets and who returns things they've borrowed or loans you've lent them. Who will hold your hair when you drink too much and puke in the toilet. These people will cover for you when you shoot your abusive hubby, they will be your kids “Aunties” they will always tell you the truth no matter if it hurts. They accept and love you. They will do things for you at the drop if a hat and you can rely on them to be there for you. They are
the first one to volunteer to donate a kidney to you.

Friends From Childhood Thru Adulthood

 Peeps From the Hood and School--
Growing up you will spend most of your time 2 places, home and school...Until you get older and branch out on your own, your neighbors will be a constant in your after school, weekend and summer life. So you will make most of your friends at home and school. These will be people you go with on adventures thru the neighborhood , play truth or dare with, do dangerous things with, get into trouble with, have sleep overs and birthdays with, party with in the woods, sit on the stoop and eat ice cream with, and crush on. Try pot and shrooms with. The people who you will eat lunch at the same table with at school, form Cliques with at school, sneak cigarettes in the bathroom with, pick on the boys on the playground with. You will have stupid popularity contests and people will pick on each other. You will not like everyone and everyone wont like you. You will make and lose friends a few times due to teen angst and stupid shit. Hang tight.

The Neighbors and Your Work Friends –
When you get older you will spend most of your time at home or work... Its similar to school and the hood, but different in many ways... You will celebrate birthdays with your work friends that will be just cake and gag gifts, you will chat about your life and kids, and you will share lunch and coffee. Even as adults there will be stupid petty work friends that gossip behind your back. When you are older your relationship with “The Neighbors” changes. Nowadays people hardly know what their neighbors names are. You are lucky if you have one good neighbor. When you get older and get your own house, you wont go on adventures or play games with them, but you might start a morning walk “club” and BBQ together at times...and you will “compete” against each other for who has the best Christmas Decor or Halloween Candy...You will have to get along with some of the other parents if your kids are friends with their kids. Sometimes neighbors are assholes and will play loud music and have ugly trees installed but you need to get along.

How to know if you can trust a friend?

1) Do they show you they care about you? Do they act concerned if you are out sick a few days? They care....
2) Are you 100% comfortable around them? If you feel very comfortable and can joke around with a person it means your intuition is right about that person and they are sending good vibes to you. When you are with them is your body language tense or calm? If its tense, your body letting you know something is wrong
3) Do they spill other peoples secrets to you? A LOT? One secret might be okay but if its CONTINUOUS and you aren't even close yet that's a bad sign, it means they will tell your secrets to anyone.
4) Do they talk bad of others?
If its something such as “That singers pants are so ugly how did her stylist let her go on stage!” thats okay. But if shes constantly talking trash about everyone at school including the seemingly good students, it means shes gonna talk trash on you and shes probably insecure and has issues.
5) Are they honest? Lying is a bad sign. Whether they lie to you, about you, or about themselves. Trust is based on honesty
6) Do they keep promises? Do they constantly let you down, stand you up even after multiple promises and pinky swears? Say ENOUGH!
7) Are they constantly jealous of others? Jealousy shows as TRASH TALK. If she's constantly talking trash about everyone at school including the seemingly good students, it means she's gonna talk trash on you and shes probably insecure and has issues.
8) Are they hypocrites? Do they call other girls SLUTS but they are fucking the entire Football team? HYPOCRITES!!!!! Fuck that shit, you don't need it.
9) Do they do what they say? If they tell you they will do the School Hunger Telethon with you, do they show up? YAY I they do, good friend!
10) Do they apologize to people? If they consistently CAN NOT apologize it means they are being dishonest about their fault or culpability in the problem...They don't want to admit they did anything wrong! MAJOR RED FLAG!
11) Do they put trust in you? Meaning do they tell you their secrets? If someone is INVESTING in you EMOTIONALLY by trusting you with their secrets it means they TRUST you. Do not let them down.
12) Do they show loyalty to you? Or stand up for you? Again this shows they have an emotional investment. If someone takes your side against say a school yard bully, it means they care about you enough to protect you.
13) When they stop somewhere on the way to your house do they pick up something for you as well? It means they care and are thinking of you and have an emotional investment in you. You are worth something to them. They wont wanna lose you.
14) Are all their stories consistent or do they lie and make up stories that don't match? My ex sister in law used to tell me she had bought this white leather Native American wedding dress for when she and her BF got married. Then she told me at other times she didn't order it yet or sometimes it was in Virginia...Why lie about it? I could care less what kinda dress she had and if she had it yet or not. It wasn't my wedding. I just didn't care, sorry! The problem there is that if she's lying about small insignificant things she'd lie about MUCH BIGGER THINGS TOO....Therefore she is not trustworthy and cannot be a good friend to ME....She also lied on her resume, and she'd steal Advil from my medicine cabinet.... BYE BYE BARBARA!
15) Do they respect your home and belongings? If you tell them you don't want a party at your house when your parents are gone for the weekend do they RESPECT that or do they send out eVites and smuggle in kegs? UNTRUSTWORTHY AND AN ASSHOLE TO BOOT! Fuck them! Do they return your clothes if they borrow them? If they lose your things do they LIE about it? If so FUCK THEM! If you tell them to stop crank calling their crush from your phone, do they stop? Do they steal from you?
16) Do they accept you just the way you are? Lets say you were Gay (or something else) and lets say you met someone who although they are enthusiastic about YOU as a person, they were opposed to homosexuality (or something else) and think its disgusting...But they refer to YOU as their BEST FRIEND and they tell you everything. Would YOU call this person YOUR BEST FRIEND and tell them your deep secrets? No. because you couldn't ever feel comfortable going to them with your joys and sorrows in your romantic life. Their opposition to your being gay (or something else) would make you always feel uncomfortable or reluctant to share things with them, cause you knew they'd be judging, Being best friends means you feel comfortable, loved and not judged..

About Online Friends--
Ive been on the internet since 1994. There were no animated pictures then, no gigs of RAM, no WiFi or Bluetooth, no Facebook or Twitter, no Amazon or Skype...What they did have was 10 different online services: AOL, eWorld, WOW! Compuserve, GEnie, Prodigy, INN, Microsoft Network, CUSEEME, Mplayer, LivVe, PowWow and Onlive Traveler...I joined em all.
I am LITERALLY EVERYWHERE ON THE INTERNET.
I have interacted and chatted and message-boarded and blogged, tweeted, facebooked and instant messaged with tons of people the past 30 years online and I have discovered a lot about people and friendship online...

The things Ive learned are:

1) 90% of people online are nuts
2) There are a ton of phoneys online
3) One person can be 10 different people in one single group, by way of socks. (Hi PennMommy)
4) People can and do set up elaborate ruses and theatrics to set up people for sympathy, attention and/or money schemes
5) If someone says they cannot afford a mic or a cam to talk to you on the computer HE/SHE IS A DATGUM LIAR....RUNNNNNNNNNNN
6) Sick sick sick people are on the internet who will try to hurt you cause they are psychos and mentally ill sadists.
7) There are some good people on the internet. To attract them, by 100% HONEST and genuine (within reason) like attracts like.

I have been on a chat program for 20 years, with the same group of people. We all know each other, we have all fought, laughed, cried etc... However I have never seen most of these peoples faces, or met them in person, or know most of their real names. Now, after 20 years, a few of these people I've known, laughed with, shared things with etc are starting to change and their masks are falling off...When I look back the signs were there, they were NEVER honest and they were SECRETIVE, I still know nothing about them.
Pay attention to those 2 signs.
In the 30 years Ive been online I have a tiny circle of 15 good people around me and only 4 I feel I can share deep things with... (Hi Molly, Gail, Shawna, Dawny)

I once had about 25-30 friends from another service., I cut it completely off with them because I realized after 6-7 years that I could never truly be myself with them. I knew they would not accept me due to comments they'd made about a celebrity I felt I was similar to. Once I realized a few things I made my decision and walked out the door and locked it behind me. If that happens to you, do not feel guilty for walking away.

Internet Tornadoes And What Happens When The Sky Clears Up?
In everyones internet life there will come a time when you will be on a message board or Facebook group or Blogger and you will be there cause, well, lets say a very popular celebrity committed a crime and you think he's guilty Right? So you stumble onto a message board and start posting away with people who agree with you and then a bunch of people who disagree and think hes innocent, bounce in, on the attack. Suddenly you and the rest of the people who think he's GUILTY become a TEAM against the TEAM of invaders who think he's INNOCENT.
When they start the inevitable personal attacks, you will defend your TEAMS team-mates against everything the other team is saying no matter what....you feel you are all friends, but you ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know why? Cause the only thing that unites you all is the teamwork against the invaders, once the court case is over and the celebrity is in jail and the invaders go away you will then realize that you all had nothing in common and you might even dislike each other...Sometimes when there is nothing to fight about, infighting starts and you will all start eating each other like cannibals...
So when the fighting (aka tornado) is over and the skies are sunny, I suggest you leave then...Cause out of 10 tornadoes I've been in over the past 20 years online it never ends well once the storm clears up.

Use your brains
When women have voices like 71 year old women suddenly pop up saying they are 31 and pregnant with twins (aka another tall tale on the interwebs) Its lies. They are trying to scam you.
I must say that it is completely recommended that you snoop on some people online. I've never snooped on my circle of 15...but I definitely do think that if you meet someone on the internet and they act suspicious and spew outrageous lies, then you have all the rights in the world to investigate them so you can protect yourself and your online friends.

The Internet (I'm reposting this from a previous chapter)
A few words of advice about the internet.

1) Never use your real name on the internet ANYWHERE unless you are buying something from eBay or Amazon or shops.
2) Set up one account with your fake internet name and only use it for internet postings, twitter, facebook etc...
3) Then set up one with your real name and only use it for for business purposes, like Amazon and paypal.
4) Use each in separate browsers ALWAYS TO AVOID ACCIDENTALLY using one for the other.
5) If you want to join Facebook to communicate with your family, make up a funny name and then put up all your privacy blocks and do not post pics
6) Remove your real name and all internet names from SnitchName, Spokeo, PeekYou, ZabaSearch and Pipl.com its free to remove your names. Use Reputation.com
7) If you are online on chat, or message boards NEVER talk about where you go to school, where you work or stores or landmarks that are within 3 miles of your house. (Example: don't tell people “BRB Im going across the street to the TacoBell” stalkers will be able to find you by what you say. Instead just go to Taco Bell without announcing it.
8) NEVER ANNOUNCE ON SOCIAL MEDIA WHERE YOU ARE GOING OR IF YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR HOUSE. People watch accounts and then can rob your home.
9) If you MUST make a Social Media account with your real name do not post party pics, or other wild pics to it. Make a whole other account with a fake name to post those if you MUST.
10) DON'T POST SEXUAL PICTURES ON THE INTERNET OR SEND THEM TO BOYFRIENDS!
11) Install Adblock Plus on ALL your browsers. Keep all AntiVirus software updated, scan often.
12) If you have sexy or party pics online RIGHT NOW delete them all. REMOVE everything questionable.
13) If you had a website with crazy self incriminating content or pics, DELETE IT! Then search for it on The Wayback Machine (http://archive.org/web/) and ask them to remove all traces.
14) Turn off GPS location trails (http://lifehacker.com/psa-your-phone-logs-everywhere-you goheres-how-to-t-1486085759)
15) Turn off location on Twitter, Google Plus, FourSquare and Facebook.
16) Never open email from people you do not know
17) Don't believe what anyone on the internet tells you.
18) Do not send money to people on the internet, no matter how sad their stories are or how much you like them.
19) If you are going to share pics do it in email ONLY with only close friends.
20) Don't post pics with you in your school team sweatshirt.
21) Don't use the “Friends Around You” app that lets people know where you are.
22) Don't use the same name that people know you on the net as on any sensitive sites, like Medical Sites where you ask personal questions. Or to post on Dating Sites.
23) If you are an activist also use another name on THOSE sites as well.
24) Use a VPN and Gmail to be untraceable...
25) If you MUST give someone a phone number get a FREE GOOGLE PHONE NUMBER.
26) ONCE AGAIN DO NOT POST ANYTHING SEXUAL, OR INCRIMINATING ON THE NET AND DON'T USE YOUR REAL NAME ANYWHERE.
PERIOD!

27) And most of all if a man you are interested in tells you hes single, DO A BACKGROUND CHECK ON HIM before ever giving him your info. If he is married tell him, "Email me the divorce papers when you have them"...

Finally, Having 500 'friends” on Facebook doesn't make them your “friends”... People think that the amount of “Likes' or 'Friends” you have on Social Media make you a great person and loved and popular....I disagree, it just means they know you or your name. The fact is that most of those 500 “friends” are there to spy or gossip and only 3 of them might be real friends.
Most people have just 1 or 2 really good friends. The rest are not deep friendships. If you lost your job and home only the 2 would be there for you.... REMEMBER THIS!

To Recap:

1) Get some interests and hobbies and join some clubs to meet similar people tp makefriends.
2) Recognize which type of friend you can trust and which you cant.
3) Learn who is trustworthy and will be a True Blue bestie
4) Be guarded on the net but friendship is possible.
5) Be the kind of friend you want to have.